Trying to cope with it all…

 …but not even managing it. Which is so fucking true. Mentally broken. Mostly. Why? Because I try so hard to have a life and friends… and for what? Not having either. 

  Constantly in tears again lately. I mean. Life sucks. People suck more. And I’m just sick of it. 

  I can honestly say I’m closer to the edge more and more, me being scared to die won’t stop me for much longer… trust me. 

  What’s brought this on? The lack of friends. I go to a pub quiz… been going alone. Started bringing my sister so I wasn’t alone… and even she fucking left me. Seeing exeryone all happy happy… then you get me in the corner on my fucking own. 

  Like, why am I even still here? I wouldn’t be missed. Well maybe by the people who follow me. But people nearby? Naa. It would be good thing for them if I was to die! That’s facts. 

  Sick of being on my own. But at the same time my own company is best. 

Sticking to hiding. 

So Materialistic

   As the title says ey! I’m so materialistic. I 100% spend to fill a void. Only problem is… I’ve no money to spend! Legit live in my overdraft! Currently at minus £450… jesus. But, whoever says money don’t make you happy… it bloody does haha. I could easily accept being alone and lonely if I had money, and didn’t have to worry about if I would be able to feed myself- no jokes. 

  If there’s a rich man out there reading this, then please marry me haha. 

  Legit need to stop spending. But I see something and I’m like just get it! So I do and then end up more in my overdraft, and then extending it… again. And again. I wish being materialistic and having money didn’t cheer me up but it does. 

  When it comes to sales, everyone is a cheapskate and won’t sign up because of all the thots out there with their subscription price at $3. But they don’t realise just how much content I have… I’ve done it for four fucking years. And iwantclips gets ignored. I get I don’t update as much… but there is literally so much content and it’s easier to find the ‘dress up’ videos everyone seems to love… in reality I’d rather be in pj’s and no makeup hahaha. Actually just tempting to give it all up, I’ve worked so hard but that working hard has literally got me fucking nowhere. I’m seeing chicks making so much more than me… bet they don’t pay tax though! I don’t even make enough be taxed! 

  Life legit hates me. In debt. Can’t find real mates. Can’t find a guy. Disabled. With so many illnesses and anything else that happens is related. Always! Yes, I do and have ‘try to change things’, and still fucking trying. And yeah, I ‘think positive’ even though it doesn’t work…

  Just send me unlimitless money and it’ll all be okay hahaha. 

Lost, broken, emotional.

   Legit hate my head you know? I’m yet again mentally emotional, mentally fucked, mentally done! Probably from drinking (which I need to stop!). But not just that- just blah. I literally have nobody. Nobody to turn too. Nobody to see. Nobody to vent too. And it’s just breaking me more. I don’t know what to do with myself. I want someone. But I don’t. I want friends. Real ones. But nobody cares! I’m sick of crying and being sad. I’m sick of being fucked up in the head! I literally feel worthless, pointless, burden, lost, broken, blah. 

  I don’t have anyone but myself. And the cats. My mum and sisters sorta. But everyone else forgets I exist. Everyone else is just happy as fuck with their decent mates and relationships and I’m here like… help. Going nowhere in life. Being forgotten. Being rejected. Being fucked about. I cannot be bothered. 

  All I wanna do is be brave enough to give up. But being scared to fully disappear stops me. 

I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

Send me friends? A guy? Send me a better head? Or just shoot me in the brains… 

Oh, come on head of mine.

   My head really fucking annoys me. I see all these people happy with actual friends and their relationships… and I’m like why can’t I have this?! Instead I’m lay in bed crying because I’m just at the end. Life is truly against me. I’m not even joking. I’ve prayed, begged, called out to the Universe. I’ve tried to have friends. Tried to find a guy, tried to be happy… but nope. Everything in my life goes to shit. I’m disabled but given shit because my disability isn’t shown. I can’t work no more atm. Working out has been a fail, I do every so often but till then I’m just a fat cunt! Guys constantly reject me. I really don’t have proper friends… nobody reaches out to me unless I’m the one to message first and it’s just breaking my heart. No wonder my body is constantly tense and I grind my teeth all the time. 

  I’m just not happy. And I try so hard. But it all fucks up and gets worse! Why can’t I just accept that for me I’m supposed to be alone. Well tbh, I do actually accept it alot… but moments like these is when I blog about it. Because. Loneliness is a killer. And when like me you literally have nobody to talk too… you just blog. Well I do haha. 

  Again, not like many read my blog. But it kinda helps me.

  I’mmjust empty. Sick of being like this. Why do I deserve to have so much shit happen? I’m minus 400 in my bank because I spend to fill a void… I need more money. I wish I was rich. That’d just fill the void of having noone. Just buy whatever. Clone myself too haahah. 

  Fuck life, honestly. Right now I just wanna be done and give up. I HAVE FUCK ALL TO LIVE FOR!!!

Learning to cope alone.

   Exactly that title! Because I have too. Because others suck! Honestly. I shit you not. I went out last night and it hadn’t even gone to 9.30 before I was fucking left. Thankfully I know alot of people. But yeah. Decent mates would not go amiss. Makes me feel so fucking shit and worthless. Like I don’t deserve to have anyone in my life at all. 

  I’m sick of things only getting worse. Never anything good.