Why can I never be happy?

  I mean. I deserve it. I've been through a lot of shitty bullshit. I fucking deserve to be happy. I'm not even a bad person, I'd say I'm fucking awesome. I'm a nice person unless you're not. I believe if someone is nice to me. I will be. If not. I won't be.
  It's another one of those days anyway. When I need to vent. But being ignored. Noone to vent too. Wanting to cut my wrists, my throat, take a bunch of pills and just disappear. I'm always fighting this fight.
  It looks like when I go to the doctors I will have to ask for a higher dosage of anti depressants... I just want to be numb. I want to be normal. I want to feel okay. But hey. Life isn't nice to me. Fuckers.
  I'm currently sat here with tears in my eyes writing this post. Listening to Kid Cudi. Because every Cudi fan knows this guy is a depression fighter too, and his music is perfect to me no matter what mood I'm in I can listen to him. Such a beautiful man, a beautiful artist. It's annoying how not many people in the UK know him, I really want to see him perform, I will 100% be crying at his concert.
  I don't know why my mood has gone down. But hey do I ever? I'm fucking lonely and alone. People assume I'm not. But hey guess what? I fucking am.
  doesn't help when people you fell for contact you when you're vulnerable and shit. Life isn't fair to me it really isn't. If I was rich? Like fuck I would care about people. Money would keep me happy. Buying whatever. Who cares for people? Love? My cats and money are only things I'd ever need... But I aint bloody rich so it's just emptiness and my love for my cats. Ha. Destined to be alone, lonely and hnhappy forever.

  On a positive note I'm trying out a couple things that I hope will help my illness. My D Ribose is here all ready and when i use it I do see a little difference... But not proper because well I'm so used to being in pain I don't notice much other than that anymore.

  Can I just be happy, illness free, and not fed up and bored anymore please? Surely I have a guardian angel or a fairy godmother please.

  I should go cry myself to sleep. Before I do end it all. I hate life.

Hoping.

  My emotions are both on and off right now. Sort of in between. Leaning more towards being perfectly fine... It's strange tbh how one minute I am fine. And not the next. Though my illness is still mild but bad and steadily getting worse I'm just hoping to be okay.
  I have accepted the fact that relationships and happiness just isn't for me... I will forever be alone with my cat family. (I never want kids). I think that small part of hope for love is dwindling ever more. I mean what is the point of love anyway. It leaves you even more broken. And I have become pretty strong over all the messing around...

I'm just ranting right now. Because I aint updated in a while. But hey. Oh well. I like to blog.

Fallout 4.

  So since I have been replaying this game I thought I would do a review blog on the game... I love this game, it's brilliant!

  I got this game as soon as it came out to be honest, and it took maybe a couple months to complete the main storyline, and a few months to complete more side missions. Then I was basically doing up my settlements, the first add on I got was the one with the cages (I'm sleepy so I can't bloody remember the name of it right now). I just wanted more and more animals in my settlements, like little pets!! Haha. Obviously my favourite is the cat one, I just love cats!
  The recent(ish) DLC, the vault add on, well what can I say?! I couldn't figure out how to do it properly. So my vault is also like a mini campsite. The reason being because whenever I tried to add on a part of a building it just would line up then hit the wall of the cave... And it was just so much effort to figure it out, so I would just have mine jumbled. It still looks good and I currently have 22 people in that settlement!
  The newest DLC. Nuka World... I love it... Until I hit a goddamn glitch with no way now to complete the bloody missions. Basically when you go to Kiddie World you are supposed to see Oswald right? Well I don't see him! I even went to the tunnels hoping he'd be there talking to that painted charred ghoul... And he isn't there. Just the ghoul, and he bows at me when I walk in the room, so I feel tight killing him seeing how he'd be hahaha. If you read this and you have any goddamn answers? Please feel free to comment because I just wanna complete Nuka World haha! Ugh. The rest of the DLC is going quite well.. I've cleared the other areas of course.
  With Fallout 4 it is 100% like Skyrim, you can always go back to the game, in fact just like The Witcher too, games you can go back too as you can always find something new to do. A new side mission or building another settlement. I'm gutted there will be no other DLC's for Fallout 4... But hopefully they are making Fallot 5, and we don't have to wait so long ;). I do think they should bring some cars or horses for Fallout though, a faster transportation you know?!
  Ey maybe in Fallout 5 they will introduce making babies and marraige, think I'd kinda love that one! Haha. And become like some sort of matchmaker for other settlers to continue the settler life... Heres hoping! Ha.

Why do I even bother?

  Seriously. I just don't have a clue why I even bother with the opposite sex. They are honestly all the fucking same were I live, yet can't afford to move away, it is a fucking ball ache! I mean. What does it take to someone I'm interested in be interested back without them playing me? Or wanting 7372637 girls.
  I mean I don't mind sharing if I have too. I'm used to that, as I have had to share every guy I have ever got invloved with... But cmon at least be fucking honest about. That's all I ask. But noooo males want to lie and lie and lie.
  I don't know what a decent male is out of friendship. I really don't but even then friends leave as everyone leaves. I'm definately cursed. Everyone I have ever cared about has left my life, fucked me over.
  Why do I bother? I don't have a clue.
  Feel like becoming a player and using men at this rate. Not for sex, I aint no slag. But like to get out of the house maybe.
  I wish I was wasn't here.

Fantastic... Not.

  So I just had a nap. Hoping to feel like myself again... But naaa. Life is still fucking against me. My eyes are focusing a little bit better at least this time... Honestly. With my illness. I wouldn't even wish it upon someone I really fucking hate. And that is saying something. I mean. Sleep never helps but you need a fucking lot. My body constantly aches. It just isn't fucking fair.
  My depression is still making me feel like shit too. I actually just feel so lonely and alone. One of those days when I miss having someone of the opposite sex... But at the same time know it is for the best know it is a good job I will forever be single. I mean I'm such a fucking burden.
  Don't bother saying 'you'll find someone' I realised that will never be the case. Too many fuckboys, and males just never seem to grow up. Always fucking boys!!
  I should of been born in the 60s for the romance when it still fucking existed and when most males would be faithful and romantic... Well. I hope anyway. It seems it. I mean. Never has someone bought me flowers just for the sake out to be all cute and shit. It isn't fair.
  The Financial Domination thing is still slow as well, literally constant timewasters... And it's like just don't. I like gifts. And if you say you will buy yoi should. Not just get my goddamn hopes up as I can't spoil myself. But yet there are a few people who around here have copied me and doing well. I so wish I hadn't been so public about it. Because then I wouldn't of been copied.
  On about being copied... It always happens. Like alot. I mean I'm myself. Yet no other fucker is.
  I wish I could work full time still. I miss having money. Always being busy. Too busy to worry about fucktards that fuck me over. I miss having alot of money too.
  I should continue to write but recently my energy really hasn't been so good. Been so up and down. Not able to sleep at night, sleeping all day, and if I wake up too early I get about 728373 more symptoms of my illness... But yet sleep never fucking helps either.
  I wish I wasn't so picky with men, but at the same time... I have to be. I don't want to just settle just because. Like everyone around here popping out like 60 kids. I never want kids. I really feel so strong about that, I don't get broody for humans.... I get broody for cats... But my mum won't let me get anymore... And I can't afford to move out.
  So much shit goes on in my mind it makes me crazy. I want someone. I don't. It's bullshit. Loneliness hurts me. You'll probably be sat there like wtf is she on. I'll tell ya... Hating life and going through too much. Everyone leaves. One of the strongest statements written on my body, and one of the truest.
  Why was I born into a horrible place with the worst people ever? Comstantly fucked over by humans? Having some of my cats die? Abused? Some other shit I'm not ready to come out with yet but absolutely fucking ruined me? Why was I given my illnesses? Why do I have to fight all the fucking time with myself? Life isn't fair with me. I have never known true happiness. And I never will.

Yep, I still hate life and wish I wasn't here.

One of those days.

Okay. Since yet again I feel like I can't turn to anyone... I guess I'm back to my blog to vent aint I. I mean god knows.
  So I woke up this morning and my depression felt the need to hit me and make me feel like absolute shit today. I just feel so empty and unhappy, it really fucking sucks. When I have a touch or feel of happiness it gets taken from me, and it's starting to really piss me off. Someone who controls the life shit really has it in for me I swear to god. Giving me illnesses, having me fucked over all the time. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!
  I'm talking shit I know. My illnesses are really shitty right now. My CFS also has decided to give me a fucking bad day... Literally so tired, so sore, my head is killing me, my eyes are tired, I feel extremely fucking sick... I just wish I didn't have this illness anymore.
  In fact, today is legit one of those days where I wish I wasn't here... I mean what the actual fuck is the point? I have noone or nothing to live for.
  Normally people buying things cheers me up... But not today, not like I have any anyway, they've all disappeared again, it's fucking annoying. Just because there are so many dommes and not enough payers, and the idiots keep paying fakes instead of me. I've realised now though I actually have been doing this for more than a year! got my dates mixed up I guess.
  My sex drive pisses me off aswell you know. I mean always turned on but no decent males that can just fuck me and they can't even keep up with me. I never used to be like this, I wonder why I'm like this all of a sudden. It's ridiculous.
  My mood today is crazy and all over the place. My heart hurts today because I'm in a shit mood. I just want to be happy. I wish the universe would just listen to me and stop givig me bad fucking luck. Life bores me. People bores me. I just don't want to be here. I can't wait for something to push me completely over the fucking edge.

High School shit.

  At the end of the last post I said I would post another post regarding when I started High School. So here you go.
  I started in St Mary's before going to Lowton. And I was there for a year and a half. Me and my 'best friend'. I was ugly till I was 18 I'd say but even then I'm still ugly hahaha! So yeah when I was in St Mary's. I vaguely remember some parts yet again, just the bad shit. Hahaha. Ugh. There was this one little prick who made my life hell, back then I could never put on weight and I used to eat soooo bloody much. So my nickname off this guy was 'anorexic'. And it was awful because obviously everyone else joined in. I literally had nobody. Jumping from person to person for someone to hang with so I didn't look so much of a loser, even though I walked into a bin once :'). I used to fance someone really bad and I gave him a valentines card... What did he do? Laugh in my face and ripped it up. Making my confidence from 0 to -53837. Grim!
  The 'best friend' of mine said she was leaving Mary's for Lowton. I basically followed her. Bring on a few more years of hell at High School. When I first started my 'best friend' had a new best friend... So now there was a Trio, except I was the one they always shut out, invite each other, but missed me out sometimes. That sucked. The guys in my year were never interested... In fact noone was interested in me. Just like now really. With my massive ears, long thin brown hair, I couldn't blame then! I hadn't even filled out either till the last couple of years of school when I turned chubster ha. I got bullied off pretty much everyone. And after year 8? I literally had to jump from group to group as these two best mates had turned popular, so yet again I had to hang with anyone who would. Loner life was intense. Boring. I used to have to stop myself crying daily. It was bad.
  And then there was the first actual 'love interest' which lasted about a week. He basically used me to make his ex jealous... Then got back with his ex... But it was fun while it lasted... Except I got hurt, madly. I got called 'stalker' for a while because of my over-texting of the guys from the year above... It wasn't my fault. I felt ignored. And I'll be honest. I still do it now the 'over text'!  Basically. I still got bullied in High School. The 'popular' lot used to laugh in my face. It wasn't very nice. I had noone, in the end I used to just spend my days pratically on my own. I used to also cut myself I hated being bullied that much, it was awful. I'm not proud of doing what I did, but obviously my depression has been around for a very long time. Just like my CFS. I hated High School. Lowton High breeds cunts. I swear to god. If someone from that school is reading this and you know you bullied me... Guess what? You're still pathetic and I know because a bunch of you still try and bully me. Grow up.
  The only good thing about my High School years were my home life until we moved house again. The fact about kids 5-18 all being able to hang out and shit, it was good. I miss those days. I mean what isn't to like about a massive group playing manhunt, or kick a ball and hide? Or even bulldog! But even then. Because this group was big, and others joined us from not so far sometimes it could get dramatic, and yeah I felt the brunt of it. Like there was one guy in the street everyone used to be in love with... But he played us all, like literally was seeing us all at once. It was hilarious, and me being crazy used to always kick off ha. But back then I wasn't the strong person I am today. So I didn't exactly kick off. People used to call me names.
  Playscheme was fun then, no longer existing anywhere I don't think but it was fun. It was basically a group were they organised outings for the kids. Camelot, Southport even a field with a blow up slide once and other stuff. Kids were allowed to be kids then. No shitty Social Media stopping us! They should bring them back.
  I guess even back then guys played me... I mean the kid who got off with every girl on the street, the guy in High School, oh and there was the one at the top of the street who I used to think the world of, till he cut me out. Like a few years back I found out the truth for that... He had fucked my friend. Even though I never had sex till after I left school I still got played.
  The bullying was the worst thing for me. The bigger shit happened after. (Read previous posts).
God knows what I think of to post next... But I will and I'll keep you updated.