Consumed by the past...

  It can’t just be me who seems to be consumed by the past. Those moments when I was carefree when I thought I was happy etc and wanting to go back there, dreaming of people from back then and wishing they were still in my life?! Probably is. I know I shouldn’t think of it. But I do. Like, not even joking if I could be back in the past I would be. And do it different and try keep those people in my life. Fuck knows why since they’re cunts but I’d try.
  I dreamt about one of them last night, it’s a reaccuring dream every so often. I’ll be walking and finding him, but I won’t ever find him, but I visit this place we’ve both been before and leave a note for him, it’s weird because this place in the dream we’ve ‘visited’ in my dream was only ever in my dreams too. I dunno me.
I crave to be empty of emotion, I hate thinking, over thinking, giving a shit. I would love not too and to just go throigh life never feeling any attachment again. I wish i’d never loved, experienced it, because I always try and look for it, even though nobody has ever loved me. Blah.
  Kind of don’t know what else to say. I’m still exhausted and I’m just fed up... my heads not right again lately. I wish it would go away.

Bad Thoughts. Mad Thoughts.

  Okay;
I am legit here trying to drain my Goddamn phone. I have no fucking need for it. So here I am venting again. Since my blog is the only thing I can trust and vent on... I think I dunno it helps me a little. And so is Kanye & Cudi on repeat, ha. Ofc.
  Life would be so much easier if it woulf give me a fucking break and stop hating me. I’m not even joking. But it does. And all I get is bullshit. Over and over. Over and over. I think for a moment that something great is gonna happen, I’m FINALLY gonna get a break, but does it happen? Does it fuck. It’s so unfair.
  People always tell me think positive or whatever, but what you don’t realise... I’ve tried that, I’ve done that... and guess what? I got crushed even more. Fuck me life hates me too much and it’s pissing me off. It’s about high time I did get something good. It’s shit!
  Do you know what goes through my head at least once a day? Of dying. Because, fuck me, it’d be better, better for me not being here, better for my mum no longer being a burden, better for everyone considering they all hate me anyway because you can’t be in underwear and opinionated. I literally fantasise so much about it. But I don’t know what to do other than giving into those words and thoughts and giving everyone what they want... and I tell you now, it’s close. I wouldn’t be missed. All the online trolls be claiming they’ll miss me or whatever. Where are you now? Talking shit about me.
  I keep being told to love myself. And the fact is. I do. I wouldn’t post what I do. I mean I have my moments. And I’d still change stuff but. I’m not rich so i can’t can I? Hm. So I’ve accepted and love myself like Kanye loves Kanye haaa! But yeah I keep getting told that to find someone. And I’d be so open to let someone in, but every male I ever encounter, that I ever talk too, that I start to let in? They completely fuck me over and hurt me... like I don’t deserve this shit. I don’t. I have love to give, loyalty, whu don’t I deserve anyone? It’s unfair and just life continuing to show me how much it hates me.

  I’m fed up of the sadness. Fed up of my heart hurting. I’m fed up of crying.

I want to be gone. Or I want life to quit giving me bullshit and give me something be happy for... I want to be emotionless and thinking of ways to die...

I’m done. Night.

Feeling Okay...

  So I thought we'd go for a change, I feel okay, my mind is numb, my god it is the best feeling ever. But my mind is still head fucked mind, I mean c'mon, guys have fucked me over too much and still fucking do. I'll be honest I still love my ex. Always have, always will, and I don't know if you ever ever get over your first love, I wish I could, it was kinda toxic, but yeah... ending this now. Some things I do keep to myself.
  People always assume I let everyone know everything... this really is not the goddamn case, ha, some things I have not told anyone, I can't, I won't. 
  But yeah, I feel okay, for once, I mean I just got home from work and since I can't sit down as much no more... my body is in absolute bits, I must remember my goddamn knee guards tomorrow. I'm 25 in a bloody 700 year old body I swear to god. 
  It sucks that CFS isn't really known, and alot of people say it isn't real, like I always say... I miss being normal, especially being able to work full time to drown out the voices in my head that go on and on and overthink like annoying little voicey shits. 
  Ey, did I tell you... I have to sleep with a night guard soon, how unattractive, another bloody good reason I'm single for life isn't it... even if I do miss having someone, but oh well. Fuck it. Fuck it all. 

  I should really go try and sleep now anyway, fucking back though... ouch. Bit of a random mini rant here! Night. x

La La Land...

  As you all probably have seen, yet again, like always I am so fucking lost when it comes to life. I’m going nowhere. I have nobody. I have nothing. And fuck me, it just gets to be... all the fucking time. It really does not help the fact that I can't work much... so sat here, day in, day out... it's a fucking killer. Especially when I talk to nobody, it's utter bullshit.
  I would love to be normal, illness free... No CFS/ME, no depression, no other bullshit I end up getting... Just would, yeah, normality... please?! I legit no longer know what to do with myself... I know I should get this book written, and I think I will try again, it's been two years... hopefully the writes block has finally fucking gone. It would be good to have a published book, I mean I'm into books so much it would be nice.
  I feel like nobody gives a fuck, because they don't not really, most people act like they do, but when I really need them they're too fucking busy for me... but that's just how life is. If it wasn't for my CFS... I would be too fucking busy for everyone else too! But life hates me, and won't allow me to be illness free it seems! 
  I know, I know, I supposedly ,moan too much, I am too negative, blah blah.. don't like it? don't look! I will write whatever on my blog or my Social Media.... I vent because I have no fucker to really vent too, because if I vent it isn't long before people leave, or change conversation and ignore me again... I just don't fucking know anymore.
  I really wish I wasn't in this world, or at least this generation... the media, social media, all of this electronics... it has ruined the world, trust me. I miss being younger, actually getting out in the world, and the only way I could use a computer was at my friends house... so I was never on my own for long... not like now. Endless fucking loneliness. 
  People always say that they they're there for me... but they really are not, I need the people I thought were there, but t's obvious that they can't be there for me... which is fine, but please don't pretend you do care then yeah, you get the fucking idea. And if not, I confused myself too... ha. 
  I know like, I could have someone but the thing is no matter how lonely and alone I get, I don't want to jut settle, or go for someone I'm not attracted too, because no offence but attraction plays a huge part... I can't fuck or be with someone or even kiss someone I aint attracted too... unless I'm pissed up but I don't intend on being pissed up 24/7... well I'm thinking of being an alcoholic, kinda kills me off, no energy, no thinking, boom I'm sorted. My type is normally fitness guys but not always, I do find myself always comparing guys to my first love.. but I know I shouldn't. ha. Some things I can't say, but I would love too. I'm fucking with my own head... but it's so complicated... certain things anyway.
  People tell me I'm lucky... I would give the less unfortunate what I have before I end it, if I do, if I could, to feel as low as I do, I really just think of death so much and it's like I just really see no point... I'm a fighter... but fighting myself this much.. it's really taking a fucking toll.
  What else to update on??? I mean, feeling lonely and alone, with no real mates who care, no guys in my life, who I talk too every second of every day etc... hm. I have 10 cats, utter cuteness, they're all I really have.. and if I'm honest probably the only reason I am still fighting myself and the bad and sad thoughts.... if I never had them, I would give up sooner than intended... I'm beginning to hate January, no Findom or Clips Sales really again... like shite, I need money if nothing else, that at least keeps me happy... money and gifts, but getting neither. Just timewasters, and people pretending to buy off my wishlist but they really haven't, so get my hopes a little the shatter them!! hahaha.
  People always have a go at me too because of what I do and about my 'half naked photos' and tbh with you it's very fucking annoying... leave me be. Do I dictact your life? Give you shit for being benefits? Popping out kids so you don't have to work? No, if you wanna be home not working out of choice then so be it. You be lazy and fucking bored, nothing to do with me. Just like my life has fuck all to do with you either. The most said thing is 'old men buy your nudes'. But the one big fact is... no they don't, it's people my age., or younger, and trust me... those polls on Instagram... it says who said yes, so I could name a few taken guys that have bought stuff around here. but that aint my fauly. I just advertise and... whatever. Not my fault chicks seems to sexually deprive their boyfriends... girls give your man sex. My photos and what I do... that also does not mean I deserve this utter loneliness either, and any fucker who says that... I wish you the worst, I hope you lose everyone, everything, I hope you feel this way. I hope you feel hoe I fucking feel, because you need to be in this situation to understand... I wish more bullies had my illness too and experienced what I did... you really wouldn't cope with what I do every fucking day... constant tiredness, that never goes away, and fuck me the pain too, like my arms are in so much pain from typing and holding my phone and my book today... oh shit yeah, I also managed to work out earlier, so be a little because of that too. But yeah, the pain and tiredness... it NEVER goes, taking painkillers dulls the pain but it's still fucking there... and not just these two, there are so many more symptoms, like a shit loads, and as my life carries on... I'm getting worse, meaning more and more symptoms, which is another reason why I just feel like giving in to the voices... blah. 
  Hopefully, I'll get in the docs soon and they'll up my pills and that helps... if not I haven't a fucking clue, I feel so fucking low. Even worse when ones who I thought were close to me have fallen out with me and really won't come back into my life no matter how hard I try... proper fucks with my head. Everything fucks with my head these days! 
  Just wish life wasn't so hard. I wish life didn't hate me, but it fucking does. No matter what anyone says life fucking hates me. I just get bullshit, worse and worse, NEVER anything good. yet people say 'it gets better'.... I'm still waiting for that. Like I said in all the 24, almost 25 years I've been in this shit world... I have never ever had anything good to be happy about. 
  Money, stress free, illness free, love, friends, people who care... hopeless wishing for all this, but it aint ever gonna happen for me, that is the truth!!

I'm done fighting for much longer, unless I find something to live for soon... but i doubt it.
Thanks for reading, if you read, but probably not. ha. 

I’m not Ashamed.

  I know my posts all follow the same sort of theme, venting about trying to cope with my mental fight depression, my illness, stress, loneliness, alome... but in all honesty I’m not ashamed. I’m not even ashamed by the clips/findom world... if I did don’t you think I would stop guys? Remove it all? Exactly. It doesn’t bother me. And if it bothers others, that is THEIR problem, not mine...see a little bit of positivity there... not always doom and gloom. Well. I try. But my blog is for me. I may share it etc, but it’s for me to vent and I dunno let loose since I have nobody.
  I’ve been single now for three years and three months, and by god am i ready to let someone in. But my god am I also so fucking scared because all I’ve known are players, cheats, all I see are players and cheats. And my god. I just want someone who only wants me. Only has his attention on me. That kind of shit... but this day and age it’s impossible. But I want that, and some part of me still fights for that even though I’ve also given up hope and also accepted that for however long I fight myself and stay alive with no reason to live... I will never find anybody. I will never have anyone.
  I don’t even have real friends anymore. I think I said not so long ago that I did. But now I realise I don’t. At all. I’ve been trying to get in touch with one I thought I was closest too... but she would repeatedly ignore me and yesterday just took the end of me trying... putting she was out with a bunch of people. Yet where was my fucking invite? And why aint I still getting no reply. She trusted me with something lately too and I’ve been trying to support her with that too... but fuck it, when everyone starts disappearing she can fuck right off. Stay hanging about with chavvy lads and people who don’t look after their kids, and have different fucking priorties of getting drunk and going out instead of looking after their offspring.
  Which brings me to that point, I swear, all people seem to do is have kids these days. Just me who doesn’t want them? I see no point. And we’re overpopulated to fuck! They should bring out a limit of children before people get themselves snipped... we do it with animals so why not fucking humans?
  I can honestly say I’m bored right now. I’ve got fuck all do tbh with you. My xbox broke and my laptop broke. So I can’t watch new stuff just gotta continue rewatching shows... but the thing is new shows broke it up for me. And now it’s like... I’m bored. I need entertainment. I also need sleep. Still doing that sleep for days then don’t sleep for days... currently on the no sleeping. Fun times!
  My heart melts so much lately with my new fur baby kittens... I’m so hoping that my mum lets me keep some. I’m already falling in love. They’re beauties. All got little unique personalities. I wish I could move out. Wouldn’t have nobody saying no to me then. I could have as many as I want hahaha!
  Findom and clips sort of picked up... but then died again. It’s fucking wank. Ah well. I’m used to having no money and shit. Just gotta get used to jt and no more luxuries! Ha.
  My birthday isn’t long off though... I’m excited for my birthday. Always am. Newcastle here I come.. again! Then a couple months later I have Dreamboys... then fuck knows. All I have to look forward to it this year. Fun life mine. Honest. I want to travel. I want to do things. But money and my illness stop me. Life does hate me. No matter what anybody says, it really does. Was I Henry the Eight in a past life or something?! Must have to get constant utter bullshit! Haha.
  Anyhow. How does someone like me who’s been through so much shit and still does get over it all? I mean like i said before I wanna let someone in but at the back of my mind I’m like ‘I don’t feel good enough’. ‘Who else is he speaking too’. ‘Who else is he seeing?’ ‘What is my competition like?’    I don’t know. This is just how I fucking think. Constantly. I can’t help it. I don’t want too. I’d love to just be normal. But my past hurt. It just doesn’t go away. And every other time I have met someone... they have proved me right. Only after one thing, no matter how long I make them wait. Always looking for better than me. Always have more than one chick... the list goes fucking on and on tbh.

  Kid Cudi, Kanye West... please bring out new music to cheer me up. And can One Direction get back together?! Thanks. Make my life a touch better... even if I am bed ridden 80% of the time with this shitty fucking illness...

Help CFS.

  I am fed up. Purely fucking fed up. Why? Every second I’m fighting life literally. I can’t live.  Not anymore. I’m exhausted at trying. I’m so close to just ending it all, I really am. I mean what sort of life is mine? I just sleep. Literally. I just fucking asleep all the time. Literally. All the time. I got out of bed at 1 today. Come 2? I was back in bed and been to sleep till about 5. Now I’m about to eat and I bet I fall asleep again, always happens.
  But then it hits like 10/11pm... and I’m awake and okay. Is it bad that I actually look forward to that? To feeling a tiny bit alive. Even if I’m awake all night?! My god. I’m fed up. Seriously.
  What good am I? What good is my life? There is no good. Just bad. Literally just bullshit I go through. All the time. Every second. I have never got anything good. I just legit get shit after shit, bellend after bellend. It’s so unfair. I deserve happiness. I deserve something good. Yet it’s the bellends who don’t who get it.
  The CFS of mine is the worst. I don’t know how people who are much worse manage to stay alive. Mine is only mild. Steadily getting worse. And I’m so fed up I don’t know anymore. Like. Honestly. I just don’t know.
  I’m strong I know this, but I’m just getting so pissed off. I really can’t live without crashing. I do something end up in bed for days! I haven’t got out of bed since Monday this week. Well obvs in bits, make food, eat, back bed, go for a pee, go back bed. Crap.
  I know I go on about my illness and stuff.... but Chronic Fatigue Syndrome needs more awareness. In fact, it needs more help because there is currently fuck all for this bullshit illness. I mean I have pain pills but they don’t really work anymore. Cocodomol kind of does... but I can’t take that long becauss of the problem of becoming addicted on accident quickly! Paracetomol doesn’t work unless I take loads... which brings me to the fact it’s blatantly fucking up my stomach because it burns all the time.
  I want someone to stop neglecting this illness and actually look into it. I know cancer is bad, I know there are worse. But the thing is more and more people are getting this CFS and more and more people are getting ignored about it because they think it isn’t real and slate it... like, shit, I wish I didn’t exist. I really do. It’s so shitty not being able to do anything. Or doing something and having to sleep for days and hours instead after.
  People always go on about me working part time, going out on a Sunday... but you really need to realise... I sleep for days before. I sleep for days after. That’s how I manage going out. And even then I struggle. I wake and there’s so much pain, always so much pain. Like my muscles are being set on fire and if it’s worse, my joints are being set on fire too... shitty shitty life of mine.

  I don’t know how much longer I can live my life without living anymore, I really don’t. I give up...

Update, update, update.

  So yeah. I haven’t posted in a while. Thought it was only fair if I updated ya’ll again, you know since having no Facebook and I still get people asking about me and being without the bloody site. I have tried to join, and failed. If I’m honest though, mentally it is better for me. No more spying on potential guys finding out how sleazy they are... besides I find that out anyway. I don’t need Facebook. I don’t trust anyone! Ha. Fuck them. Single for life this one and i am really accepting it. All hope is going. I see no point. Honestly. Fuck guys. Just mates, and my cats and my mum. That’s enough. Yeah!
  I’m still headfucked. That seems to be inevitable!! Haha. I changed my pills, that has got to be the best thing ever. My last one helped the pain... BUT they made me put on weight. My depression was bad. These new ones? I already lost some weight, and my depression is hell of a lot better! So thank fuck for that. Alot of people hate being on pills because it makes them numb... but I love them. I love being numb. It’s amazing. Like seriously.
  What else? Hm. Illness is still steadily getting worse. This morning when I got in bed after work was pretty rough, the pain was really fucking bad, I can’t fully describe it! It’s numbed it a little. But not totally. I need sleep right now. Had maybe two hours but my mind won’t turn off. So some shows and sleep when i’m ready too again? I think so! I’m in way more pain. I’m more tired. More symptoms... like a constant headache I keep having atm. Blah. Why no relief for me?!
  It was a tough few weeks changing pills. I had withdrawal from the old ones. The new ones make you unable to eat for a bit... literally didn’t go with my illness. Crashed so bad. Literally would wake for an hour. Sleep for two. Then have a full night on top of that! Hahaha. But I feel better. I feel good. And even my sex drive is back. (Not like I need that since it’s fucking high asf, I should be a man I swear!).
  The Findom and Clips side as always is a little shitty without Facebook. I would love Facebook back just for that fucking reason. We all need money. And I can’t work more. It sucks. It needs to pick the hell back up! 100%! Sort it out guysssss haha. You’ll love my clips. And I deserve to be spoiled really ;)! I’m strugglig moneywise a little coz I want my leg finished by my birthday. Once that’s done. Yey. Can just keep money aside for fuck knows what yet... think I want a nose job tbh with you!
  What else is there to update on? I don’t even think anymore. I can’t hahaha. Numb remember?

Thanks for reading.