For all you who know me, know that I am a victim of online abuse, threatening, and bullying. And to be quite frank this post is because recently it's stressing me out and upsetting me and also, my side of things, you know. The RIGHT side of things. I won't mention no names, but it may be obvious about who is who and to be quite honest, I don't care, I'm done with it the pettyness.
The time before this time (past week), I got abuse for commenting on a status, getting shit, and rather than take the abuse I block. I saw a status on my feed, I commented something generalised, completely related to this status. What happens next is the 'fiance' decides to pipe up trying to give me blatant abuse... clearly nothing but jealousy and feeling threatened because why else would she kick off to something like that?! Exactly. So her mate decides to start commenting abuse on my shit... when she isn't even on my goddamn friends. Utter wankers. I block her too. Which leads her to write a status saying 'i am now on the Abby Lewis blocklist'... the comments to this were fucking awful, one persoon saying I should be dead, just all sorts of bullying, which is getting sent to me, I kept everything as evidence. I still have the evidence too. But it was all unneeded, all unfair, just for blocking rather than let little minds abuse me. They also posted a naked video of me too... where is the right in all this?! there is not. It is petty and childish!
Okay, so this recent time, it was all because someone came in to where I work, she left a bag unattended(keeps saying she never but she really did, cctv has it, dj witnessed it, so did staff). She then has the audacity to blame the workplace that it was our fault, and we never helped, when CCTV was checked and staff members looked, so yeah. I wrote a generalised status, no names etc as meny people lose bags and blame staff. But this certain someone decides to inbox me giving me abuse, threating me. I replied a little then i just couldn't be bothered no more and blocked her. I was going to leave it. But then she got her friend to start stalking my pists writing shit, and then she decides to (the friend) to rate my workplace irrelvant bullshit all about me. I mean sure me I can handle. But bring in others? My workplace? You deserve to be named and shamed. So I posted it all online, my status, their comments, the threats, the review. With a very long detailed post at what REALLY was going on... so after this, this little girl decides to get everyone report me, get her silly little friends to give me abuse too... all indirect now. After I got my Facebook block I made a new Facebook, as I needed to get in touch with people I hadn't the number of a few people you know? So yeah. Which brings me to the next fucking abuse.
I saw a status written from a guy who ALWAYS comments shit about me, he wrote a status like 'I see Slaggy Lewis is making trouble again' irrelevant, idiocy. So I looked at the comments, one of the first ones was a woman who was about 40, saying nasty things, cmon, nearly ober half my fucking age? And she is getting involved? Legit seems this area will not grow up! I commented on this status saying he should say it to my face, have the decency to actually inbox me, not publicly bully me. And he kept saying no, spitting vulgar aggresive abuse, and it's like. At least I tried to be a grown up about things, says it all when noone can inbox me, yet they can say things public... so yeah he got reblocked.
Adding people on this new facebook one came up on someones feed that they were friends with me, so someone started commenting being a bully as always, never to my face either, so I seen it and commented to say stop, apparantly he inboxed the friend saying that he shouldn't add me I'm weird. So I commented on the post saying say it to my face, don't say it behind my back. Then another idiot who always pops ups on posts about me, also tried to start bullying me. So did another few people. The first guy tried to mention my videos. Now. Let me say this jn case any of you idiots are reading... he also bought some clips and cried he couldn't view them. Another of these friend posts also popped up on someone else, I inboxed this girl asking who she was, as she was blocked and shit, she was like 'ive not said anything blah blah' but i know that wasn't true. But she was acting innocent YET on this post, being a bully. Again!
Okay.
While I am here I will point out that some of this area has bought me gifts, sent money, and bought clips. Didn't think that did ya? I know who too. Well mostly. So that is why I am open about what I do. People who you didn't expect to buy, actually have!
So. I always get told I should not bite etc, but the thing is the bullies need to named and shamed. But because I am that much of an awful place full of way too many cunts, they all get involved. They all bully. There are he odd few who stick up for me, show me, and thankyou guys for that. At least some of them can be decent. But. No. Most are not. I mean, cmon. What have I ever done wrong? Nothing. They can't face the fact I'm taking money off mommy and daddy, or that I'm on the dole, that I don't open my legs for anyone, I'm not a drug queen... you know... like most of these bullies actually are. And no. No digs here. I speak nothing but the truth.
People always tell me.. 'go to the police' and I really want too... but none of my 'friends' will actually have the decency to take time out to come with and support me. Which brings me back to the old posts that I really do not have any goddamn fucker in my life. Fuck you all.
I am writing this post because I am fed up of you bullies. I don't deserve it. What because I am not ashamed? I make money my way? I have a decent body and not afraid to show it off?! No need. It legit is just jealousy. And actually quite a lot of you have come in to were I work and actually said this to me. But as always online it's a different story to act like bullies becaus eyou have your insecurities. We all know that is the real fucking reason.
So leave me, you are all the childish ones. In fact, I messaged this girl about the bag too apologising when really it was her who should have, and she ignored me. How wrong is that?! Ugh! At least yet again I tried to be the grown up, actually took time out to try and sort things.
I hope some of you read this, realise just how nasty you all are. Anyone who says it isn't bullying, is more than likely one of the bullies. Like I said. Leave me alone. I do what i do, don't interfere with your lives. So don't with mine.
Tuesday, 31 January 2017
Sunday, 22 January 2017
My ex broke me.
Now for those reading this. I have only ever had two boyfriends really. All the rest were pointless shitty flings because males don't know how to just have one woman, and not pine after other women ether. But tbh my discoveries saw that my exes looked elsewhere anyway. Sexting is cheating. Cheating is cheating. Looking and wanting and messaging is disrespcetful.
My ex broke me. My first ex anyway mainly. I was so madly in love, and part of me still is, part of me atill cries, part of me still wants, even though I know it was toxic and he never loved me back. He really didn't. If you want to know fully how this guy treated me then read a blog post on here called 'The Truth'. You'll understand more why it was so fucking toxic. God.
I don't know why I have never gotten over him. I just haven't. Like I said the relationship was real toxic, but at the same time I was deeply in love. He may of hadn't loved me back, he may of been an asshole 90% of the time. But we had little moments. And I think it's those moments I want.
I don't even think I know what it is like to be in a true relationship where both sides are deeply in love, so passionate for one another. My second relationship got comfortable too quickly and I think that is why regarding that one. I loved that guy too, don'r get me wrong. But I was scared to give it my all even though it lasted longer... like I said. The first guy utterly broke me.
I'm crying when I write thise you know. Loneliness sucks and I just wish I could have someone again, but I know that will never happen. I'm too broken. Been messed around too much. I can't rrust. I get proven right every time I try you know. Like why can't I have love? Why is it so against me life to give me nothing but bad luck and to be so unloved and messed around huh? People are way worse than me and they get everything handed to them!
I think another thing to get over was the emotional abuse from my first ex, I think I got away at the right time, before it got to being physical... but the damage had been done. Emotional abuse was just as bad. Being made to feel so worthless by the person you love was not a fun game in the slightest. My thoughts always return to the last few weeks of being with him, being on holiday with him. Having him tell me I was looking at other guys because i had on sunglasses. Being called boring coz I didn't like to drink, being made to drink a few times, being left to go and get pissed, having me wait in a hospital bed for him why he was on a drip ill, yet when I was ill I got left in the hotel room alone. Him leaving me to go on Facebook to message other girls. What a dreadful holiday. I'm trying to make it my very mission to get another holiday asap, to try and make a better holiday memory. Hmm. We'll see. I can't seem to forget. Ever.
Getting home from that holiday, and just getting to the brakingn point so I had to leave. And I finally got the balls to leave him. But I saw him after we split. I wanted to get back together, he didn't but he just played along so he could use me for sex, yet he already was seeing the bitch he was talking too behind my goddamn back. Yep. He got with her 2 weeks after we split. While I cried for months, he was happy, and he still is happy, while I still am broken by him. How unfair is life really gonna be for me?!
I opened up wounds you know. About just over a year ago. I went and met him. He has become single. He is still the same person. He never changed. Probably never will. Comtrolling, etc. All I did was look at my phone once and he was like quizzing me. And I got mini hurt because he actually still remembered things about me. Like what I'd drink.
Not getting over my first love has broken me 100%. I can't be fixed. Because I can't be loved. I can't have a relationship. Noone understands how hard it is to dwell in loneliness. Be alone. Be hurting. All the time, forever. Facing facts that I'll never find anyone sucks. Happiness just doesn't seem possible for me. True happiness.
I doubt this ex reads this blog to be honest. He doesn't think of me. I know that. I jsut wish I wasn't broken anymore, I'm fed up of crying. Fed up of hurting. Fed up of life.
This blog actually had to be written because I am listening to WZRD (Kid Cudi). But like this was 'our album'. I dunno.
I kinda got broken off my second love too, mind. But it wasn't so deep, because I obvioulsy still had part of my guard up, and tbh. It is now all the way up. I push people away, and they leave, and hat's for the best. If they can't withstand the pushing than you aint worth it... but at the same time. I still get a tiny bit hurt.
Everytime I have a little bit of hope of meeting someone new, but they are the exact same as every male. It's like can a male not be a man anymore? Are they just legit all boys? Because it fucking seems it. Good as mates though, so male mates, try not to get offended. I love ya really haha.
As I always say. There are only two things that give me a tiny bit of happiness, which is money and cats. Yep I seem to have turned superficial... but hey. I don't care you know! Cats, everyone knows I'm a sly cat lady, I have 5 kitties. And I want another kitten so I can raise from a baby again and have something to keep myself occupied, you know since i have noone who wants to help me and get me out the fucking house. Money? Yeah that makes me happy too! But you can tell it's January. The Findom world is full of timewasting idiots who expect shit for free, and clips sales are also slow! No, before you ask am I ashamed like many of you have... no I'm not ashamed. I can't work. I don't want to rely on the Government till I get worse with my illness, not just mild... you know when I need it more?! So yeah, not ashamed. Just wish I made more in Findom, but there are too many timewasters honestly. Gonna be skint till March it seems, but it's a good fucking job I know how to live on nothing. I lived on £60/70 a week (where I still have to pay my mum, pay for the cats, and pay for my own food, so absolutely nothing to spend on myself), so yeah I know how to live on nothing. But I prefer not too... hopefully you Financial Domination suckers stop being timewasters, and my clips bloody get bought again, £100 a day you know!!
Anyway back to the subject of being a broken little mess, I'm feeling a tiny bit better blogging, whihch is why I started to blog in the first place! I'll be heading to bed once I've done this blog. Hopefully sleep also helps... but I hate waking up. I have no purpose in life, no reason to wake, and it's a sucky feeling. Getting to sleep consumed with dark thoughts. Waking and just thinking 'I never want to wake, I see no point'. I'm fighting my own head, it's a battlefield. And I feel at a loss. I'm a heartbroken mess, honest.
Part of me wishes I never met my first ex,in fact any male. You've all contributed a little to make me feel so shit you know. Being little fuckboys. And no, I haven't always gone for muscle men, so no you can not blame that :)! I miss my ex. I hate him. I still pine for me. I don't miss him. It's all so confusing. He definately full on broke me. Which lead to my second relationship also breaking me. And just being a hot mess and being fucked around ever since!
It's an even more sucky feeling I have no person genuinely there for me. People say they are... but where the fuck are you messages out the blue asking am I okay? Nowhere unless you fuckers want something, or I message first.
See what bullshit I have to put with? How much bad luck I have?! Noone cares. I see that. So I'm fighting this battle by myself. But I tell you now. If my life is still riddled with bad luck by end of thise year? Then it's goodbye me. I won't be missed. Fake bitches be acting like they do when they've been two faced spineless cunts. I'll come back and haunt your fake asses for your pretence!
My life leads no purpose so I don't care. I wake. I read, watch things, talk to myself and sleep again. Because I can't fucking work coz of this disgusting illness. I wish the doctors would fucking start looking into it. But na. I just get left with no fighting chance. So it's another battle I lose. Being in these four walls drives me crazy. I want to work again but I can't. And it sucks. If I could work I'd just work all the time. I don't have a social life so why the fuck not!
I hate life. I have no luck. No matter how much I try. And yes I have tried but I always end up bck to quare fucking one. Fuck you life. Horrible thing.
Anotther thing is my sex drive you know that's annoying. I never had one. Ever. But these past few months its crazy... what the fuck am I meant to do? It hurts sometimes you know actually being turned on 24/7, I'm not even joking. And because I'm not a slag, and guys are fuckboys and fuck and chuck and don't do it regular... I just have to be actual horny all the time. I'm not joking. I just got good ignoring it. But sometimes it makes me physically hurt... surely can't be normal. But I cam't be fucked. Wish you boys knew how to be man. And knew how to handle women! Haha.
Yeah, well I should sleep. Honestly. But thankyou dear people, especially my first ex to making me a broken mess. I want love, hut it seems I'm unworthy. So animals and money it is for another few months.
Sorry for being a heartbroken, broken utter utter mess. Thanks for reading. If you do, it's my longest post yet. Jeez. Essay and half. But I feel a little better.
My ex broke me. My first ex anyway mainly. I was so madly in love, and part of me still is, part of me atill cries, part of me still wants, even though I know it was toxic and he never loved me back. He really didn't. If you want to know fully how this guy treated me then read a blog post on here called 'The Truth'. You'll understand more why it was so fucking toxic. God.
I don't know why I have never gotten over him. I just haven't. Like I said the relationship was real toxic, but at the same time I was deeply in love. He may of hadn't loved me back, he may of been an asshole 90% of the time. But we had little moments. And I think it's those moments I want.
I don't even think I know what it is like to be in a true relationship where both sides are deeply in love, so passionate for one another. My second relationship got comfortable too quickly and I think that is why regarding that one. I loved that guy too, don'r get me wrong. But I was scared to give it my all even though it lasted longer... like I said. The first guy utterly broke me.
I'm crying when I write thise you know. Loneliness sucks and I just wish I could have someone again, but I know that will never happen. I'm too broken. Been messed around too much. I can't rrust. I get proven right every time I try you know. Like why can't I have love? Why is it so against me life to give me nothing but bad luck and to be so unloved and messed around huh? People are way worse than me and they get everything handed to them!
I think another thing to get over was the emotional abuse from my first ex, I think I got away at the right time, before it got to being physical... but the damage had been done. Emotional abuse was just as bad. Being made to feel so worthless by the person you love was not a fun game in the slightest. My thoughts always return to the last few weeks of being with him, being on holiday with him. Having him tell me I was looking at other guys because i had on sunglasses. Being called boring coz I didn't like to drink, being made to drink a few times, being left to go and get pissed, having me wait in a hospital bed for him why he was on a drip ill, yet when I was ill I got left in the hotel room alone. Him leaving me to go on Facebook to message other girls. What a dreadful holiday. I'm trying to make it my very mission to get another holiday asap, to try and make a better holiday memory. Hmm. We'll see. I can't seem to forget. Ever.
Getting home from that holiday, and just getting to the brakingn point so I had to leave. And I finally got the balls to leave him. But I saw him after we split. I wanted to get back together, he didn't but he just played along so he could use me for sex, yet he already was seeing the bitch he was talking too behind my goddamn back. Yep. He got with her 2 weeks after we split. While I cried for months, he was happy, and he still is happy, while I still am broken by him. How unfair is life really gonna be for me?!
I opened up wounds you know. About just over a year ago. I went and met him. He has become single. He is still the same person. He never changed. Probably never will. Comtrolling, etc. All I did was look at my phone once and he was like quizzing me. And I got mini hurt because he actually still remembered things about me. Like what I'd drink.
Not getting over my first love has broken me 100%. I can't be fixed. Because I can't be loved. I can't have a relationship. Noone understands how hard it is to dwell in loneliness. Be alone. Be hurting. All the time, forever. Facing facts that I'll never find anyone sucks. Happiness just doesn't seem possible for me. True happiness.
I doubt this ex reads this blog to be honest. He doesn't think of me. I know that. I jsut wish I wasn't broken anymore, I'm fed up of crying. Fed up of hurting. Fed up of life.
This blog actually had to be written because I am listening to WZRD (Kid Cudi). But like this was 'our album'. I dunno.
I kinda got broken off my second love too, mind. But it wasn't so deep, because I obvioulsy still had part of my guard up, and tbh. It is now all the way up. I push people away, and they leave, and hat's for the best. If they can't withstand the pushing than you aint worth it... but at the same time. I still get a tiny bit hurt.
Everytime I have a little bit of hope of meeting someone new, but they are the exact same as every male. It's like can a male not be a man anymore? Are they just legit all boys? Because it fucking seems it. Good as mates though, so male mates, try not to get offended. I love ya really haha.
As I always say. There are only two things that give me a tiny bit of happiness, which is money and cats. Yep I seem to have turned superficial... but hey. I don't care you know! Cats, everyone knows I'm a sly cat lady, I have 5 kitties. And I want another kitten so I can raise from a baby again and have something to keep myself occupied, you know since i have noone who wants to help me and get me out the fucking house. Money? Yeah that makes me happy too! But you can tell it's January. The Findom world is full of timewasting idiots who expect shit for free, and clips sales are also slow! No, before you ask am I ashamed like many of you have... no I'm not ashamed. I can't work. I don't want to rely on the Government till I get worse with my illness, not just mild... you know when I need it more?! So yeah, not ashamed. Just wish I made more in Findom, but there are too many timewasters honestly. Gonna be skint till March it seems, but it's a good fucking job I know how to live on nothing. I lived on £60/70 a week (where I still have to pay my mum, pay for the cats, and pay for my own food, so absolutely nothing to spend on myself), so yeah I know how to live on nothing. But I prefer not too... hopefully you Financial Domination suckers stop being timewasters, and my clips bloody get bought again, £100 a day you know!!
Anyway back to the subject of being a broken little mess, I'm feeling a tiny bit better blogging, whihch is why I started to blog in the first place! I'll be heading to bed once I've done this blog. Hopefully sleep also helps... but I hate waking up. I have no purpose in life, no reason to wake, and it's a sucky feeling. Getting to sleep consumed with dark thoughts. Waking and just thinking 'I never want to wake, I see no point'. I'm fighting my own head, it's a battlefield. And I feel at a loss. I'm a heartbroken mess, honest.
Part of me wishes I never met my first ex,in fact any male. You've all contributed a little to make me feel so shit you know. Being little fuckboys. And no, I haven't always gone for muscle men, so no you can not blame that :)! I miss my ex. I hate him. I still pine for me. I don't miss him. It's all so confusing. He definately full on broke me. Which lead to my second relationship also breaking me. And just being a hot mess and being fucked around ever since!
It's an even more sucky feeling I have no person genuinely there for me. People say they are... but where the fuck are you messages out the blue asking am I okay? Nowhere unless you fuckers want something, or I message first.
See what bullshit I have to put with? How much bad luck I have?! Noone cares. I see that. So I'm fighting this battle by myself. But I tell you now. If my life is still riddled with bad luck by end of thise year? Then it's goodbye me. I won't be missed. Fake bitches be acting like they do when they've been two faced spineless cunts. I'll come back and haunt your fake asses for your pretence!
My life leads no purpose so I don't care. I wake. I read, watch things, talk to myself and sleep again. Because I can't fucking work coz of this disgusting illness. I wish the doctors would fucking start looking into it. But na. I just get left with no fighting chance. So it's another battle I lose. Being in these four walls drives me crazy. I want to work again but I can't. And it sucks. If I could work I'd just work all the time. I don't have a social life so why the fuck not!
I hate life. I have no luck. No matter how much I try. And yes I have tried but I always end up bck to quare fucking one. Fuck you life. Horrible thing.
Anotther thing is my sex drive you know that's annoying. I never had one. Ever. But these past few months its crazy... what the fuck am I meant to do? It hurts sometimes you know actually being turned on 24/7, I'm not even joking. And because I'm not a slag, and guys are fuckboys and fuck and chuck and don't do it regular... I just have to be actual horny all the time. I'm not joking. I just got good ignoring it. But sometimes it makes me physically hurt... surely can't be normal. But I cam't be fucked. Wish you boys knew how to be man. And knew how to handle women! Haha.
Yeah, well I should sleep. Honestly. But thankyou dear people, especially my first ex to making me a broken mess. I want love, hut it seems I'm unworthy. So animals and money it is for another few months.
Sorry for being a heartbroken, broken utter utter mess. Thanks for reading. If you do, it's my longest post yet. Jeez. Essay and half. But I feel a little better.
Thursday, 19 January 2017
A sense of forever feeling lost.
People always say to me 'you can't be lonely, you're hot'. But the reality is? I actually really am lonely. I'm also alone. I have no fucker who is fully there for me. Sure I have mates etc. But they are never there for me in my dark moments... they also always know I'm in a dark place by my Facebook statuses, they acknowledge them, like them etc, but still not one drop me a message asking if I'm okay. Asking to get me out the house in my own mind...
People forget me. That's a fact. Those close to me anyway or should I say were close?! It also is a sucky feeling of loving and never being loved. I don't think anyone has ever loved me, not really. Which just sucks even fucking more.
People are all getting on with there lives. Getting married, kids, etc. Me? I'm 24, only able to work part time because I have a wank illness that is utter bullshit and makes me unable to work. I'm single. And probably will be forever. No kids. But I don't want kids, my cats are my kids. I hate kids.
So many people take shit for granted. Then try and moan to me that they have a shit life when they have everythhing that is to be expected, and more! Not me though, I've always felt lost.
Guys continue to fuck me over. And that hurts even more. Why play games? Why bother coming in to my life to fucking hurt me when there is no need too. Hurt somebody else. I'm getting close to end of my fighting. I can feel that. I don't know happiness. But I get a glimpse for it to be taken away from before it's even started. It isn't fucking fair.
The only things that make even a touch happy are my loving cats and money. I don't care. I'll admit it. I am superficial. Money buys my happiness! But in the Findom world I'm getting nothing really right now... you can tell it's January. Or maybe just I'm going through a dry patch. I hope it picks up, I hope the clips start to sell again. Why? Because money just simply makes me happy.
People tell me to think positive, but I can't do that. I know what people are like. I get fucked over by everyone. I also am fed up of my illness making me forever tired, forever sore, and the more I do the more symptoms I get. I used to fight my sleep etc, but now I don't.
I'm fed up of having nothing to live for. Thinking to myself daily I'd be better off dead. Realising I have noone, that noone would really care, they'd just pretend they did for the likes. I want to be happy. I want to be okay. I want to stop fighting myself. I just want to sleep forever and live in the good dreams were I am happy and all my wishes come true. Quite simple, but just wishful dreaming.
People forget me. That's a fact. Those close to me anyway or should I say were close?! It also is a sucky feeling of loving and never being loved. I don't think anyone has ever loved me, not really. Which just sucks even fucking more.
People are all getting on with there lives. Getting married, kids, etc. Me? I'm 24, only able to work part time because I have a wank illness that is utter bullshit and makes me unable to work. I'm single. And probably will be forever. No kids. But I don't want kids, my cats are my kids. I hate kids.
So many people take shit for granted. Then try and moan to me that they have a shit life when they have everythhing that is to be expected, and more! Not me though, I've always felt lost.
Guys continue to fuck me over. And that hurts even more. Why play games? Why bother coming in to my life to fucking hurt me when there is no need too. Hurt somebody else. I'm getting close to end of my fighting. I can feel that. I don't know happiness. But I get a glimpse for it to be taken away from before it's even started. It isn't fucking fair.
The only things that make even a touch happy are my loving cats and money. I don't care. I'll admit it. I am superficial. Money buys my happiness! But in the Findom world I'm getting nothing really right now... you can tell it's January. Or maybe just I'm going through a dry patch. I hope it picks up, I hope the clips start to sell again. Why? Because money just simply makes me happy.
People tell me to think positive, but I can't do that. I know what people are like. I get fucked over by everyone. I also am fed up of my illness making me forever tired, forever sore, and the more I do the more symptoms I get. I used to fight my sleep etc, but now I don't.
I'm fed up of having nothing to live for. Thinking to myself daily I'd be better off dead. Realising I have noone, that noone would really care, they'd just pretend they did for the likes. I want to be happy. I want to be okay. I want to stop fighting myself. I just want to sleep forever and live in the good dreams were I am happy and all my wishes come true. Quite simple, but just wishful dreaming.
Saturday, 14 January 2017
You really do not never forget.
It is totally fuckong true when they say 'you never really get over or forget your first love'. I don't get why. But I haven't. I really haven't. And it's been nearly 5 years.
The fact that he was controlling, emotionally abuse, I think that is part of it too. He well and truly fucked me over. But I still think of him, still miss him, even though I know he hasn't changed. Well not with me. I have no idea how he acted with the other two women after me.
I know he's the same as I met up with him like a year ago, someone messaged me when I was with him and he acted the same way as he used too whenever someone messaged me. It's kind of a good job he found someone else... I don't think I could have walked away myself.
In a way it's a good thing we split when we had, because I know he would of eventually gone physical as there were a couple of scary times, one whn he ounched a hole through the wall and another when he brokt the bathroom door handle. Hm. That one scared me, but only because he got himself stuck in the bathroom.
He has mentally fucked me up. I am so broken because of him. Even when I got with the last ex you could still see I was broken, even if I did love again. I was a different person, colder. And even now I'm colder still. But I have my needy moments, but now I have noone, and believe I never will.
I don't want to love again, but at the same time I do. I want the love in books, movies and shows... but we all know that does not exist. Love in reality fucks you up big time. I'm still fucked. And it's been a good few years.
I don't know why I'm not fully over as it wasn't exactly a good relationship. Must really be because he was my first love. I dunno. My head confuses me. The world confuses me. Everything fucks with me. I loved him but he mever loved me, he cheated, yet accused me 24/7. Emotionally scareed forever.
My heart aches. I wish I was normal. I wish pure uncomplicated love existed.
The fact that he was controlling, emotionally abuse, I think that is part of it too. He well and truly fucked me over. But I still think of him, still miss him, even though I know he hasn't changed. Well not with me. I have no idea how he acted with the other two women after me.
I know he's the same as I met up with him like a year ago, someone messaged me when I was with him and he acted the same way as he used too whenever someone messaged me. It's kind of a good job he found someone else... I don't think I could have walked away myself.
In a way it's a good thing we split when we had, because I know he would of eventually gone physical as there were a couple of scary times, one whn he ounched a hole through the wall and another when he brokt the bathroom door handle. Hm. That one scared me, but only because he got himself stuck in the bathroom.
He has mentally fucked me up. I am so broken because of him. Even when I got with the last ex you could still see I was broken, even if I did love again. I was a different person, colder. And even now I'm colder still. But I have my needy moments, but now I have noone, and believe I never will.
I don't want to love again, but at the same time I do. I want the love in books, movies and shows... but we all know that does not exist. Love in reality fucks you up big time. I'm still fucked. And it's been a good few years.
I don't know why I'm not fully over as it wasn't exactly a good relationship. Must really be because he was my first love. I dunno. My head confuses me. The world confuses me. Everything fucks with me. I loved him but he mever loved me, he cheated, yet accused me 24/7. Emotionally scareed forever.
My heart aches. I wish I was normal. I wish pure uncomplicated love existed.
Sunday, 8 January 2017
I miss being young.
Again. Referring to the title... I bet everyone misses being young don't they?! But I dunmo for me I see myself reminiscing so much! Where I grew up it was literally a street., one very long street, full of houses. The nearest shop was like an half hour walk away, one way down a dirt track, the other way past haunted buildings.
Sounds weird now but literally everyone hung around with each other. Basically from the age of 5 to the age of maybe 18, I think?! But yeah. We were such a 'tight' set of friends it attracted other kids who lived near the shop (past the spooky houses way). Like they would travel down and hang about too. What we'd do? Play games. Nowadays kids don't get to be kids. Social media has murdered being a kid. A carefree kid. Obsessed with relationships from such a young age!
On this street we played 'manhunt' I actually miss playing that so much, I was so good at hiding! We'd play all sorts! The park was pretty shit and standard. It's changed now. Changed it with a bunch of new shit, but as kids aren't kids? It probably does not even get used! When I was there there was literally a seesaw and some swings and a lot of grass for playing football or whatever and alot of trees to hide in!
One time I remember me and one of the girls were climibing trees in a field that was owned by farmers and then this farmer came out shouting we literally ran further down the field and we were waiting for ages to go back home terrified. I still remember it like yesterday!
Does 'playscheme' still exist? I don't think so. But back then it did exist. What was it? A woman would get money together and take all the kids somewhere, Southport or Camelot mainly or they would set stalls up at the park like plate painting and stuff, it was quite fun. I'm sure even both Southport and Camelot have both changed. I'm sure that funhouse in Southport has gone? Who remembers the wheel that spun around and whoever stayed on the longest won?! The caterpiller that just went in a circle and the cover went over had to be my fave ride. Even though it was boring! I couldn't hack the haunted house! Haha.
Back then you didn't really obsess over the opposite sex, but still fancied people. I dunno. I'm not like most girls hah. One guy on this street used to play all the girls against each other. Be with someone one minute, and someone thennext. Thinking back about it I just don't get how he did it... no longer my type but noone is these days! Haha. There was a time when he said he was with me and I went Turkey and came back with somthing and soent ny last money on it for him get with someone else on the street! Haha.
In High School it was completely didfferent to being out on that street after school. At school I was bullied, I was unpopular, had no mates (still don't). But when I started school it was blatant I was depressed etc. Cba getting into that. I used to just go from group to group. I hate thT school. I am legit in an area full of arseholes! I was a nobody in school, and people frim that school still try to belittle me. But I am stronger nowadays. Nothing like I used too!
I don't know what I'm trying yo say other than I miss being a kid. Not for High School, but to have those real friendships from that street back. To be aboe to just have someone to hang around with. Not having social media, phones, etc ruin lives. I miss it.
Sounds weird now but literally everyone hung around with each other. Basically from the age of 5 to the age of maybe 18, I think?! But yeah. We were such a 'tight' set of friends it attracted other kids who lived near the shop (past the spooky houses way). Like they would travel down and hang about too. What we'd do? Play games. Nowadays kids don't get to be kids. Social media has murdered being a kid. A carefree kid. Obsessed with relationships from such a young age!
On this street we played 'manhunt' I actually miss playing that so much, I was so good at hiding! We'd play all sorts! The park was pretty shit and standard. It's changed now. Changed it with a bunch of new shit, but as kids aren't kids? It probably does not even get used! When I was there there was literally a seesaw and some swings and a lot of grass for playing football or whatever and alot of trees to hide in!
One time I remember me and one of the girls were climibing trees in a field that was owned by farmers and then this farmer came out shouting we literally ran further down the field and we were waiting for ages to go back home terrified. I still remember it like yesterday!
Does 'playscheme' still exist? I don't think so. But back then it did exist. What was it? A woman would get money together and take all the kids somewhere, Southport or Camelot mainly or they would set stalls up at the park like plate painting and stuff, it was quite fun. I'm sure even both Southport and Camelot have both changed. I'm sure that funhouse in Southport has gone? Who remembers the wheel that spun around and whoever stayed on the longest won?! The caterpiller that just went in a circle and the cover went over had to be my fave ride. Even though it was boring! I couldn't hack the haunted house! Haha.
Back then you didn't really obsess over the opposite sex, but still fancied people. I dunno. I'm not like most girls hah. One guy on this street used to play all the girls against each other. Be with someone one minute, and someone thennext. Thinking back about it I just don't get how he did it... no longer my type but noone is these days! Haha. There was a time when he said he was with me and I went Turkey and came back with somthing and soent ny last money on it for him get with someone else on the street! Haha.
In High School it was completely didfferent to being out on that street after school. At school I was bullied, I was unpopular, had no mates (still don't). But when I started school it was blatant I was depressed etc. Cba getting into that. I used to just go from group to group. I hate thT school. I am legit in an area full of arseholes! I was a nobody in school, and people frim that school still try to belittle me. But I am stronger nowadays. Nothing like I used too!
I don't know what I'm trying yo say other than I miss being a kid. Not for High School, but to have those real friendships from that street back. To be aboe to just have someone to hang around with. Not having social media, phones, etc ruin lives. I miss it.
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