Forever changing.

Everybody in life changes. Always changing.

I myself have changed so much, I went from a carefree child to a depressed bullied lonely teen, to a bit of an idiot, to loving but not being loved, to finding my way again, loving again, and now, right now I would say I'm lonely, alone, bored, ill, and I am also stronger, with walls up pretty high, but I also don't give a fuck.

Other aspects changed as well, like for music, I went from liking 90s bands, to ttrance/dance, to rock, to faithless, then I stumbled upon Hip Hop. And that is the music that stuck with me, since probably year 10, and my love for it has grown, it is the music that has drawn me to it the most, and I can'r believe I ever liked anything else, but I like what I like. And there are a few others that I like too that isn't HipHop, like Calvin Goldspink (formerly of S Club 8), One Direction, and then 5ive and Blue, but I still know old Faithless and FALL Out Boy... Everything else these days is just noise to me. And I live in a place were everyone just listens to chavvy music!

Tastebuds... Things I used to hate like veg, fish, I now love and things I used to love, I now hate and it makes me ill, bet a lot of people can relate!

Everyone changes, everyone evolves.

I'm waiting for what I want.

Basically, I'm waiting for what I want, which is the last guy who was a bellend because he was scared to be with me, but he's working on him to be different for me, I just really hope while I'm waiting that he doesn't find someone else... I mean, hpw unfair would that be?! I've said no to a few guys asking me out because I am waiting for him.

Maybe I'm stupid because he may be fucking around. But yeah it sucks. I don't know if he'll even come back to me. Am I grasping at straws and he won't? I dunno but I guess only time will tell... Because well I just want him. And when you know what you want, you go for what you want.

Supernatural.

If you haven't yet watched this Finale... Don't read. Unless you aren't bothered about spoilers of course.

Well, well, well, what an amazing ending.. And it shocked me. I mean I thought maybe Amara and Dean would get together (something I am actually hoping for in the future). But nooo they bring back Sam and Dean's mum back! Without of course Sam knowing as that bitch just shot him, well it seemed that way.
I'm glad the world didn't end, but of course we know that wouldn't happen anyway... Since they had already renewed the show! At least Amara and God are happy and healthy now, even if they're disappearing for abit.

Supernatural is ny far one of my favorite TV shows, In fact it has to be my favorite of all! And well, it has to be a favorite of many... I mean 11 seasons. Renewed for a 12th and probably renew for more...

I'm a lover of Sam, Dean and Cas, Cas has got to be the most amusing angel ever, what with his love of trashy shows, and his confusing reactions towards porn. He makes me giggle. But then the Sam and Dean love, I just do not think I could ever choose between them! Bad I know.

I'm excited for the next season.,. I really hope Amara comes back, she should be with Dean. But I'm excited to see how they pull off this whole mother situation... I mean she's the same age as when she died... So pratically the same age as Sam and Dean! And hoping that Sam is saved.

Bring on Season 12!!

Wishes.

The title says it all.
I bloody wish to be emotionless again... I mean I actuallywas towards the end of last year and beginning of this year, I cut off my emotions.
But then they came back.

I'm hoping that one day I'll be back being emotionless, it sounds bad but I can't deal with my depression and emotions.... Which both mix into one another. Along with the CFS/ME. It's all just a ball of illnesses wrapped into one another... Maybe like an elastic band ball?

Them balls used to baffle me. Like who has the time put a bunch of elastic bands into a ball?! But at the same time I wanted to make one. Weird haha.

I wish that I also get to be loved. In my eyes I have never been loved. It is always me loving. And never being loved. How utterly shit. I wish I couldn't love either. That shit fucks me up more because well who enjoys loving but not being loved? Bound to become heart broken right?!

Emotionless, loveless, and a bloody cure for CFS please. :').

A constant fight.

I swear, CFS/ME, is such a shit illness.
I really hope they make a cure or help, even if it's when I'm gone... Noone deserves to love through this.
I mean I know my blog always drones on, especially about my loneliness and illnesses, but hey when you have noone else to vent tol, this for me is my venting thing. Alls good.

This post is about my fight, my daily fight, it's a fight to get up, it's a fighht to stay alive, it's even a bloody fight to move these days!!
I'm supposed to fight my naps, but I just had to give in.,. I still feel like absolute shit.

For anyone who has this illness will sort of understand, but wow, even I don't fully understand it. I just think it's so shit that I got this illness, but I always get all the bullshit... How fun.

My days are consumed by my shows. My books. And this summer is gonna be a long one with no friends, and waiting for a guy to come back to me... But yeah. I have fuck all to watch as all the shows are ending and only back in the fall, and there are not many starting in the Summer, hella bullshit this hahaha.

Empire.

So, Empire has just ended season two, and my god I will not be happy if they killed off Rhonda! It will be so unfair, on Andre mainly. I mean he always has that unhappy ending, no singing, a dad that hates him because he isn't gifted and bipolar, having a mental illness, and then losing his baby... He doesn't deserve to lose his wife too! Besides Anika is the one who should die. She's viscous!

Having to wait till fall for season 3 is going to drag, I'd love series to never have a break ever!

This is one of my fave shows anyway, one of the first and only series that is focused on a music series, and that music is HipHop... Were I live not many people appreciate HipHop. So as you can tell not alot of people have watched Empire. Which sucks. I'd love a friend who had the bloody same interests as me.

People always have their favourites and that but I don't tend to have one... But at the same time I'm hunting for Luscios... Terrence Howard plays him so well, and I love his voice. Is it just me who want's him to sing more?!

I hope Empire lasts a long time, maybe even as long as Supernatural, I'd love both of them to never end. even when they get old. Proper saddo me!

Loneliness really does consume me.

I don't know were the hell I went wrong to never have anyone stay in my life?
Know what else I've figured out? Whoever hears my past... Pretty soon they disappear. So I be thinking that my past is also cursed... How fun. Not.

I spend all my time on my own. Except work weekends. I guess it's a good job I have such a social job isn't it.

I'm super duper tired today, making me feel worse and like utter shit. I don't even have the energy to bring a fork to my goddamn mouth without having long rests in between... It sucks.

I wanted to meet someone tomorrow... But who the fuck is there to meet? Noone! I have to get my injection which is why I thought I'd go meet someone.

Fuck. It's really hurting me. I really feel like I have noone. My heart literally aches at being lonely and alone, I guess I should never bother.

Annoyance.

So my emotions came back to my annoyance... CBA. I just never want emotions. I hate depression. I hate CFS. Why me?!

I spent all night crying at the fact I will forever be alone... And I don't want to be. It sucks. Like it really fucking sucks.

Can you scientests create a machine now so I can make my perfect man? I don't even care if he is a robot like. Just fed up of the fuck boys, inconsiderate losers that only want one thing only. And it seems to be everyone. I vent so much on this blog, I should be in a crazy house at this rate because it's pratically me talking to myself... But then again I do that every day anyway. Legit conversations with myself. Why? Because I have noone to talk to of course.

The only thing that keeps me going is my fur babies. But I know something will push me over the edge, too far to be scared to die anymore.

Weird how I wish that right? I hate life.

My past lives I must have been some serial killer or something to deserve such bullshit!

I don't know anymore. I want to be happy. But happiness never happens. And I don't think
It ever will.

Empty mind.

Normally on Sunday I tend to be the worst illness wise, both depression and CFS/ME... Today, I am extremely exhausted like always. And I haven't done much. But I'm not emotional thankfully. I hate it when I'm emotional, to the point of stressing myself out. Feeling sick. It's just hella bullshit.

I realised another thing. Losing my voice. It's part of my illness. Just another crappy thing I have to put with. I've lost it atm and I thought nothing on it. Then I realised it's because I've been run down. And then more thinking to last year when I worked full time... So obviously that made my illness worse... And I kept losing my voice too. I did have a look online at some people who have CFS/ME. And they've said theyve lost their voice too from it. How absolute shit.

Its definately good not to feel emotion. I wish I could be like this forever. Maybe then I wouldn't be so hot headed, and I wouldn't love... Something I could really do without. Since well noone ever actually loves me back!

Obvious I'd like to keep my love for my cats,..
They do in fact love me back the little beauties.

I'm dragging on and on because my mind is in fact empty! Hahaha.

Sat here continuing my re-watch of Misfits... Which is nearly over so I'll be onto Being Human. Then I have a feeling I'll do a Fast and Furious marathon... I've just bought the omes I don't have yet.

I'm excited for my tattoo Thursday, there is a hidden meaning, that only few know. I don't think I'm ready to tell people the meaning yet... But I still can't wait. I'll upload photos of course when everything is done...

Always wondering what I did wrong?

Again. The title is self explanatory. What the hell have I done to deserve such a shit and lonely life?!
On top of my illness getting worse, I just have to be okay with forever being on my own... I mean. It's obvious. I'm destined to be alone. Everyone fucks me over. It isn't just males. It's also 'friends' I thought I had... Everyone just disappears, literally everyone has left my life.
I guess I really can say I'm used to it. I spend 24:7 on my own. Except weekends when I have work. That is my only life. Working weekends.
I guess it's a good thing I have my illness. Because I have to sleep my life away because I need too.

Sometimes. I just want to fall asleep. And never wake up.

And yes. I know the dark thoughts are back... But I can't help them... Why? Because I'm so fucking alone and I know it is what is meant to be... But doesn't mean it hurts. I never used to cry. But now I cry all the time. It sucks.

Writing.

Finally!
I've been writing a couple books, and I actually had written loads on the first one. But then I struggled with what to write next... I guess I had writers block. And I actually had this for a goddamn year, so I am so happy that it's finally gone.
I mean it is in fact so fucking hard to write a book so I am still going to struggle, but thankfully I managed yo write just over a page today, I mean isn't that much but it is at the same time.
I just really badly hope that I can get the books done eventually, though I have no idea were I would go next I guess I have to figure that out, but I'd love to be published.

If you read this. And you are a writer and you have some advice. Please comment below!

Loneliness drives me crazy.

Jesus christ.
Yeah I'm venting because I feel shit. My mind is so goddamn complicated. I feel like shit for days then no emotion for some... I just don't want emotion. I really want to be heartless. I don't want to get hurt anymore. I don't deserve it. I've been through enough of this. I'm only 23 and I can honestly say I have never actually been happy.

I bet whoever reads my blog just thinks what the fuck?

Anyway. I feel proper shit today, I want to take all the pills I have and that is a lot, mainly cocodomol and anti depressants but hey.
Every day seems to be a fight.
I think if I actually had someone I wouldn't be so bad... But noone wants me.

My relationships will always be in my imagination, and it sucks.

Back on the shitty dating apps.

So... I guess I'm single. Finally rid of a cunt who would not do the simple things to help me and make my trust issues go away. It waa gonna happen anyway. I deserve better! I'm not counting that disaster as a relationship... Not like he did anyway. Keeping me a secret and all that! Fucking wanker.

keeping me a secret, not changing that relationship status, keeping the last person you slept with but making me block her, even going out of your goddamn way to add her back, blocking me on insta on twitter, adding bare girls nearby lying saying he knew them, putting me last, lying claiming all the girls he supposedly knew are good mates, hiding your screen while I'm sat next to him, and messaging other girls while I'm sat there and he should be focused on me, ignoring me but staying active, and only wanting to see me once a week.

Thats the kinda shit he did to make me worse... Even was ashamed me, now who the fuck would be ashamed of me really?!

I hope you fucking read this. I was a fool to fall for him. I got swept up in stupid lies. I wonder if the next girl does too? I mean the last one says he played her. I should of listened. Girls know that shit.

At least now I can not stress to the point of throwing up and I can find someone who actually wants me.

Joining the dating sites... Though they never actually help. Hahaha!

CFS/ME needs more awareness for real.

Well.
The title says it all really!
CFS/ME is such a shitty silent illness and not enough people know about it. And in fact those who do know about it. Don't really care or show consideration, they just say 'oh you're lazy though'. And it's like really?! Know what else annoys me? How people google it and 'hey I think I have that I'm always tired'.
Like seriously, tiredness is a big part of the illness, but it is so much more complex than that! It's no fun always being in pain, tired and the more I do I get more symptoms and more intense.
I suggest if you want to know more you google it... But it isn't really understood tbh. Not even doctors fully grasp the illness. But yeah. It does need more awareness

Like today is a bad day because of working Friday and Saturday night... I woke at half two and only moved about 3. I've eaten and now catching up with my shows, but god my body feels extremely heavy today, and more intense pain wise. I just actually cannot wait to get back to sleep. How bad is that?!

UK TV Shows.

You know right I watch a lot of TV shows, but they are all mainly American. Having CFS/ME and currently being only able to work Part-Time I have a lot of free time in the week... This title is about UK TV shows... And I hardly watch many from England. I find they have all gone downhill from when they could actually make a decent show. 

What is a decent UK show? There are only a few I like. And I have on DVD so can re-watch over and over again. 

Misfits. 

Skins. 

Waterloo Road (mainly the earlier series) 

Being Human. 

I literally have every season there is to have of these, except Waterloo Road, I currently only have 1-7. The best ones. I like all series mind, but yeah 1-7 have always been the better ones. Emotional. 

Skins is such a brilliant UK show, but I disliked the fact they tended to leave cliffhangers and leave the audience thinking 'what happened' 'what if'. There were 7 series. 3 generations. And the only generation without cliffhangers were the third. I mean Mini had her baby then it ended. But we didn't need to know much else, she got back with Alo and everyone was happy. Much different to the depressing endings to the first and second generations! 

Season 7 was shit. The 'final' season was pointless. 

I believe they should have had every character from every generation, tie off those lose ends and have a big happy-or sad ending. 

Someone needs to make that happen if I am honest. If I had money I totally would make it happen! 

Misfits is another brilliant show that I can re watch. I just got all the seasons on DVD as I'm kinda old school like that! I'm actually currently re watching these because the America shows are ending! As I have no friends I don't have much to do. But yeah back to subject... Misfits is amazing too, I mean it broke my heart when characters died. 

Being Human was another brilliant one too. Obviously every I mention are brilliant too me. Hence me being able to re watch them. After I have watched Misfits I will be re watching this one again. Another series I was sad to go! And would them to make it again! 

Waterloo Road like I said was better at the beginning... And when they said it was ending I thought they should have done a special. I'm not the only person who wishes to see what happened to Chlo, Donte, Mica and Brett! And I know people agree because I said this on a comment on Facebook and recieved hundreds of likes! 

Yeah, some people would think this is a pointless post. But a blog is to express thoughts and I was fed up of writing things do depressing. So thought I'd write about more things I love too etc. :). 

I just don't know what the fuck to do.

Pardon the swearing.
But god I'm emotional today! And as always I have noone to turn too. Not even my own 'boyfriend' gives a fuck about me. I mean there are so many simple things he could do to make me better... But no. I come second to everybody else.
I mean. I want someone to want me. Only me. Puts me first. Does whatever it takes to make me trust him... As I have beem through sooo much bullshit that I just have so many trust issues!

If you really cared for someone you'd make an effort wouldn't you? You'd put them first. I don't know. I feel so worthless, even more so than I did. I can honestly say my head is fucked!

I think it's my CFS/ME. I'm always more emotional when its a bad day. And it's always after I have worked.

I'm just so fed up. I don't want to be lonely and alone anymore. But with no real friends who want to see me, and a boyfriend who also doesn't wanna see me and is ashamed,,, well I can't help feeling lonely and alone.

I made myself strong. But this guy made me weak. Maybe I would be better off alone. Just me and my cats. I mean they love me and never leave my side. Why would I want more? I guess I'm fed up of the aching of my heart.

Hurt, hurting, always.

I swear... I really am cursed.

Do people believe in past lives? I swear I do, and I swear to god I must have been Henry the Eigth because the amount of bullshit I have been through, and what I go through still is ridiculous. I don't think anyone realises what kinda shit and how it has badly effected me.

But seriously I just get more and more bullshit the more life goes on. It's no fun.

Like seriously. In my eyes I have friends. Just no full on proper friends because I mever ever see them, and sometimes some of them can tend to not talk to me unless it suits them, which makes life even more shit... I mean who the fuck do I have to turn too? Myself. Mostly. It sometimes sucks.

And as for guys, I just get messed around. I mean like even now, I'm with someone, but he wants to keep me a secret because he's embarassed by me. He doesn't even want to see me right now, like we were supposed to meet today, but no, than other than this he only wants to see me weekly. Which sucks and kinda hurts more.

When I say I just get shit. I do. I've lost everyone in my life pretty much, noone bothers, I have a shitty illness, well three shitty illnesses, my head is fucked. I can honestly say I still think about ending it all daily. I mean who the hell would miss me? Maybe my mum. Definately my cats.... But noone else.

Musical Preferances.

Know what annoys me? Is the fact that because I'm insanely inked and have this 'alternative look' that automatically I am into that music... But I can honestly say I am not into that! I am into Hip Hop... But then there are also a couple artists who aint HipHop that I love to listen too... Like Calvin Goldspink, 5ive, Blue, Jonas Brothers & One Direction....

Yep I'm 23 and I am a Directioner 😂😂.

When it comes to the bigger part of music that I listen too... My main people I listen too are Kanye West, Kid Cudi and Vic Mensa... But then again. Anyone who has me on social media, knows this already. They are my baes haha!

I get lost in their music, I mean. No matter the mood I can listen to one of them over and over. Sad, happy, honestly any mood. I can be in the mood for them!  Though these 3 are my faves I listen to quite a lot of people, TI, Nelly, 50 Cent, Kid Ink.... So many more.

I have a lot of Kid Cudi, Kanye West and Vic Mensa tattoos... People always say to me 'what if you dislike this music and them when you are older?' My answer if that happens, it does. But I do doubt it. Over the years I listened to various music, the shitty chav, rock music, lots more, and now I'm like wtf is that noise I used to like?! I mean there are a couple artists I can still bare... Fall Out Boy that album with Thanks for the Memories on it. And Faithless... Still lnow every word to some of his songs too. But Hip Hop is the music I've liked the longest and what called to me, even when I'm 90 I'll still be sat there singing to Yeezus.,. But I doubt I'd get to 90!

It's weird. Here I am rambling.,, but who the fuck is actually reading this bullshit? I'm just basically talking to myself, but then again no goddamn difference there now is it?!

Without music life would be even more boring.

The truth.

This post was hard for me to write... But I think it's right for me to do so, physical abuse is known widely. But noone really goes into emotional abuse. People need to know how much it can affect a person, how much it affected me...
When I was 18 I had my first relationship, we started fast, I worked at a bar in Wigan and he came to me and chatted me up. From there we talked for a few days before meeting up and going on our first date, we went bowling. It was a fantastic date, then the next week we went on a night out, I should have clicked then there were some part of psycho in him. My friend was being a little promisciuous, and then he came to me and said sly comments like 'I bet that's what you're like when I'm not around'. But as we were leaving we decided to be official... As I said things progressed quickly. We were happy for a few weeks at least without any trouble. But then he saw someone had text me that was a part of my life before him, it was another male, just asking how he was, and he was so, so angry. He was shouting so much abuse at me. calling me a slag, etc... And I was crying, angry at him too and ended up snapping my sim card to stop him and said I would change my number for him. He let it rest sort of. But he still said sly comments about that text. He made me exchange facebook passwords with him, I hardly went on his. But when you went on mine to check when he had been on it he had been on it every half an hour, or less. Then when a male messaged me from college he went mental again, and so I shut down my facebook account so he wouldn't obsess. But then he would check my phone a lot, but by this time I had no friends and the only person who texted me was my mum. I wasn't allowed friends anyway, if I went anywhere without him he would say I was cheating. He said so many sly things calling me names, saying noone would want me. And then there was the time he made me do anal as he 'wanted to put it somewhere where noone else has put it before'. He stopped thankfully as I was crying, but he was in a mood about it for a few days and not happy with me. We had many explosive fights. He never hit me, but I think if I was with him longer than the 8 months, he would have. He once punched a huge hole in his bedroom wall, and broke his bathroom All all the while he was accusing me, he got to talk to whoever he wanted to talk too, including one girl who it's clear they had a thing for one another. We went on holiday together with his family, and that was a bad experience also, he accused me at looking at other males behind my sunglasses, and I wasn't allowed to wear just a bikini as it meant I was showing off to all the men. When he became hill on holiday, he was hospitalised, i stayed with him. But then I was ill when we got back and he shouted at me because he wanted to get drunk, but I didn't drink at that time, and obviously I was ill. So he left me in the hotel alone while he went out. After the holiday we went sleep for a couple hours, but then he was on about my email, which i never used at the time either, he forced me to log onto it so he could look so he did. There was an email about some male trying to contact me on kik, an app I had actually deleted. I tried to tell him this but he went mental, I logged out, he kept telling me log back in, but I wouldn't. He said it will be over then, and I think I finally got the nerver to walk away so I did. I mean I didn't completely leave his life, as we met up a couple times after, seeing if we could sort things. But he never changed. I went cinema with my mum so she could cheer me up, and because I had no signal so couldn't reply. I was seeing someone new. Then I just told him leave me be. A couple weeks later he is with the girl he used to talk to when we were together, and I found out they cheated.

I should have left right away with this guy, I was stupid to stay with him so long. I think if I stayed longer thwn things would have got phyiscal.. I'm still not really over it, the emotional abuse I mean, him I can't stand. He hasn't changed.  I am very much broken, and relationships since him have been all over the place as I can't trust or believe anyone anymore. I just hope I will be okay.
But hopefully people will realise that mental abuse is just as bad as physical, they recognise the signs, and they leave before they make themselves like me.