Thoughts, Feelings, Life.

  I know some people must hate me blogging. But what people should know, it's to help me in a way. How lonely and alone I am isn't a good thing, so yeah I don't have anyone to talk to about this shit, mainly because I don't want to burden them. 

  Lately I have been back in my dark place. Really badly. I just feel there isn't a point in living in right now. And let us be serious, it is true! How? Because I can't live, my illnesses make it too hard. I also have the worst luck ever. Whenever I try and be happy? Something fucks up and I'm back where happiness does not exist! 

  If you all follow me on Social Media , ya'll know I've been dating someone. I've even stayed loyal when he hasn't (well I dunno). And it's like why the fuck should I stay loyal? Because he doesn't even want to be with me! He won't even open up to me. And every time I open up he shuts me down, sp why, why the fuck do I bother? I deserve someone who wants me for once. Someone who won't goddamn cheat on me for once. I mean yeah I know I can be a little crazy... but that's when I pssionate about liking someone! Blah. Thoughts!

  Another thought is my sex drive. Surely it isn't normal to pratically always turned on?! It needs to go. I'm single. It is not fucking needed!

  This dark place I'm in. I'm hoping to get back out with it. Because not wanting to wake up and wanting to end my life is bad, and it just isn't good at all. 

 

  My thoughts are rambling all into one, I'm currently suffering from withdrawal to ecocodomol so I cannot even think straight right now. 

Time for a new post.

   It's been a while. I've just been so fucking tired. I still am. I still find no point in living. I don't get it. I try, I fail, try again. When am I just gonna accept my fate. I am not supposed to ever find someone.
  It always sounds promising... then guess what? There is always someone else, someone better. Fighting myself every day, it's hard. It was manageable because of the pills I was on. Now they have switched them. And now guess what? I'm not feeling life again. I wish I had the balls to give up. I really do.
  People tell me to be thankful for what I have, cheer up,  blah blah blah. But it isn'4 that fuckig easy. Life is a giant ball of mess. I'm so lonely, so alone. But there is nothing for me. Noone for me. It always messes up.
  I get a glimpse of happiness, and then it goes. It's a massive headache. I hate living. I can't even be normal because of the CFS/ME side of things. It kills me off, to always be tired, in pain, along with many other shitty symptoms. It sucks big time.
 
  What does it take for a male to grow up and actually be a man? Nothing it seems. They just stay boys and never fucking grow up. Always wanting more than one girl. Always being olayers and head fucks. I mean, I haven't got time for that messed up bullshit anymore. If I want you I want you and nobody else... but fuck knows why.
  My patience is going though. I am gonna end up being like a 'boy' and then play the bous around like they do with me. I mean what is the point in being faithful when I am not with anyone? And they do not have the mindset I have... they clearly just want sex. And I mean sex can be good, I have a high sex drive. But I'm done with fighting life alone.

  I have no idea who even reads my blog. Or if anyone even does. But like I have said before. If I need to vent this is how I vent. My shitty blog. I wish I could just up and jump out of life and live in one of my books, films, or TV shows. The ones with good endings and love and being wanted by someone for onxe.

  Maybe life would be easier if there was no life anymore. Life is too much of a fight.

Even my sleep state of mind fucks me over.

  I don't know what it is but even when I sleep I just seem to live in the past... and if not the past just constant nightmares. One recurring dream that seems so real for quite some time until my mind is going 'this is not real it's okay'. Is the fact that I am back at school, still my age of 23 but they are telling me I am a failure. I have to re do everything and I am never allowed to leave school... i mean that's the past mixed with a nightmare... as I hated school! Full of ignorant ijits.
  The one that gets me the most, the dream I just had, is when I dream of my ex best mate, a male, who I am pretty sure I fell in love with, but I never speak to anymore because he used me thengot a girlfriend. It was really anboying. Is really annoying. He used me at a really vulnerable time... then just broke me even more than I was already fucking broken. I doubt he reads this. I kinda wish he did. But he is too caught up in his little 'perfect' world with his girlfriend who looks like him... (everyone seems to be doing that these days, getting with someone who looks like them hahaha!). But yeah dreaming of him seems to be every so often and it's quite annoying. Last nights dream was that we were on holiday, not together we came seperately but you know met and we were as cool as ever. And we were just in each others life again. So yeah thanks dream world for breaking my heart al over again! Because. I have tried to reach out to the fucker... but noooo he just can't be fucked. The day he becomes single I bet her comes back to me. And I will probably let him.
  Dream world isn't always so bad. When I have good dreams I love it. But it really seems to be nightmares more than anything. I mean just the other week the world was dying and only I was left alive... like what the hell?! Blah.

  On another note my illness seems to be getting worse, pain wise, insomnia wise, barely sleep at night and the pain is getting worse to the point of tears, but yet my doctor will not do fuck all. I'm shattered more. Close to crashing I think... I hope not.
  Loneliness is being alone just proper sucks too...
  I had something else on my mind, but I can not think of it right now, stupid memory fog. I just wish I was okay for once. And happy.

I'm a fighter...

  I'm a fighter... but I see no point in fighting anymore. And I mean it. The only thing I see myself worth living for? My cats. My mum. The couple decent friends I have. But that's it. But in my eyes I will not be missed maybe just a little bit. But then it'll stop and I will be forgotten like everyone else in the world unless they're famous!
  Sad but true fact I believe. Just like people are always fake offering condolences... just for the likes. If I died today. Those who have given me shit in the past would do exactly that. It's such a joke this world, living is no fun.
  Literally. All I do is sleep all week, work weekends. What kond of life is this? The only thing that makes me happy is receiving gifts and money... a sad and true fact. No shame but I wish there was more that made me happy... but I just do not see it.
  I have a psychic reading tomorrow, I'm pretty excited, but also scared. Always been intrugued by this world. I have had a phone reading before but this is in person.

  My illness crashed from me going back and forth last week. Energy is like in the minuses plus the soreness. Just so many bullshit symptoms. I never feel okay, and it annoys me. I hate myself for having my illness... even though it isn't my fault... but it sucks. It's like I'm a villain or somethig isn't it... 'villians never get their happy endings'. Just a bunch of bullshit dilemmas and sadness. Like last week was hectic. Going back and forth into town... if I was normal I would have been fine, but noooo... that's what made my illness crash! I went for my glasses fixed... now I have glued glasses since they haven't got the frame yet, I also went for my phone fixed, the first day they had no screens, the day after I got home and realised they had broke my goddamn camera, went AGAIN the day after telling them come back the week after... lose my phone for a day then come back. Like seriously?! Timewasters in the findom world like always... just annoys me really.
  Nothing goes well for me. And I just wish that something went well for once in my life. Not collapse around me continuously!

  I've never been loved. Never felt loved. That shit is a fact. Especially by my first ex. The way he treated me my god, he proper fucked me up, I'm still not completely over that shit!
  I'm so lonely and alone. I know it will always be this way, but it does not mean it doesn't hurt any less. I think about it daily. How it would be nice to not be so alone and lonely. Be loved. Have friends who bother with me first for once rather than always being me... just please. I'm frd up of feeling the wasy I do 24/7.

I don't know how to be okay.

  If you follow me on Social Media. You would have seen I am currently struggling with the depression side of things... it really pisses me off to be frank. What'/ making it worse right now is I meet someone and I have to pester for attention, a fucking reply, like seriously... all I want is company. Because like I always say... I have given up on ever finding someone else. Finding happiness. How unfair.
  I struggle so bad right now. Like I just do not see the point in life. I am just soooo consumed by loneliness and being alone. I know I have friends who care. But there are only one or two who reach out to me. Talk to me. Actually reply. It just isn'5 fair.
  What did I do? Seriously. Why do i deserve to be fucked around.

  It'/ like everytime I try to be happy or be okay. Something happens and it collapses around me. And I just don'5 know why I bother. In fact I am going to try so fucking hard not to bother anymore. People. Whatever.
  My life is just gonna be lived with those lonely shitty life till I finally get pushed so far over the esge... there will be no coming back... at least I won't feel so lost anymore. I'd just be... gone.
  I just want to be okay. To experience happiness. But I don't think it will happen anymore. Oh well.

 
  On to a completley different subject to not make you feel so suicidal like I am... just how good is Prison Break?! I mean it was slow at first and really bored me... till episode three... then boom. My interest is hight on that show! I've nearly finished watching it... you know with this no life of mine being able to watch something constantly because I don'5 really get out because of my CFS/ME and people just not wanting to see me! But yeah. I find it such a brilliant show. I used to say to people that it was shit years and years ago but then I saw the season that is statting in January and was like... I should really fucking watch this me. And there we go DVDs bought! Probably keep rewatching Once Upon a Time after this series. Then I dunno ... I have One Tree Hill, Supernatural, Lost, Luther, Gossip Girl and Roswell to get through and re watch. Among my American shows that are restarting again. Did I mention no life?! Hahaha.

Anyway. If you took the time to read this thanks! And If you are a fighter, like me? Can message me. Can't aay I will be much help. But I shall try...

Fake People. Fake Friends.

  How annoying is it living an area full of pricks and fake people?! I mean even when you think you have met a decent friends you realise they are just narrow minded and fake like everyone else... it does my fucking head in. So many people have come and gone in the years I have lpst count!
  I think I give up hope that where I am there is anyone geniune other than me. Well there are about 2/3 others and They're good friends. But still it can be annoying trying to be friends with peope and just getting pied. It's not even like i wanna lay you man. I just want friends!
  Like I said I never want a relationship again, so male or female, I Will be your friend only! Haha.

  It is so annoying though still. It just reminds me how alone and lonely I actually am. And how it is more than likely gonna be this way even if its friendships. I guess it is for the best though. Waht with my illness not allowing me to live a notmal life. Having to be careful with what I do etc. It's quite annoying.

  On another note the weather is bloody cold again! Haha. More pain for me sadly as I will always be tenser than usual. Oh and I will finally have my leg filled at the bottom next week i am excited! Blabbing on again.

Goodbye!

Destined to be alone.

  Know what I have realised. Honestly. Is that I will forever be alone and single. I've faced facts. I've always had a tiny bit of hope... but now? Not anymore. I don't believe no more. I justt know I'' not gonna find anyone. Maybe because I'm too picky, but I don't care. I deserve the best after what bullshit I have been through. But the best doesn't exist... so therefore. Goodbye hope! Hello single life forever and loneliness! Hahaha.
   I guess it's for the best with my illness. I mean. I see myself as a burden. Unable to live life normally. And if I try? I crash. End up bed bound and asleep and just unable to move for days. It'/ Monday right? And I still haven't recovered from the Weekend at work. Like. I have been here typing this blog making lots of errors already! Ha. My god. My memory has gone to shit with this illness. 'Memory fog'. I have even forgot my age.
  I get so fucking annoyed. Like. Because people don't personally know my illness so it's fake? I should push myself? Na pushing myself makes me crash and bed bound. Even more so than usual. I have no appetite right now trying to recover from the Weekend working... it': no fun. Like being hungry but being so tired to eat and have an appetite. Everything knocks me sick right now.
  I'' dreading tomorrow. Have to be up super early. defo be going straught back sleep when I am home since I struggle.
  I'm just going on now. Haha. But I don''t care. People need to understand just how hard it is having what I have, it's only mild too... I dread the day it gets worse I really do. I don't know how I will cope having to be in a Wheelchair.
  Back to subject though of this post... it sucks this lonely feeling but I have accepted. I choose money now over anything. Because everything else? It just hurts you and fucks you over. Obviously my cats over everything too. The love I have for my beautiful cats is immense. I don't love much any more.
  My life is bloody boring these days. Work weekends. Sleep rest of week and watch various TV shows... i need a life. I need a fun life. But hey I have lost hope. I'm just living for nothing at this rate. If I died today, well I wouldn't even care.  
  One thing I am thankful for right now is the fact the depresion side of things isn'5 so intense. Instead? I'm just really angry. Angry at people. People who are supposed to be friends yet ignore me. The fact I always have to message first. Angry at life for handing me such bullshit. Angry at all the people who do not deserve happiness are happy. Just so much anger...

Anyway. I'm done going on and on. I just had to vent I guess. Thanks for reading.

Why can I never be happy?

  I mean. I deserve it. I've been through a lot of shitty bullshit. I fucking deserve to be happy. I'm not even a bad person, I'd say I'm fucking awesome. I'm a nice person unless you're not. I believe if someone is nice to me. I will be. If not. I won't be.
  It's another one of those days anyway. When I need to vent. But being ignored. Noone to vent too. Wanting to cut my wrists, my throat, take a bunch of pills and just disappear. I'm always fighting this fight.
  It looks like when I go to the doctors I will have to ask for a higher dosage of anti depressants... I just want to be numb. I want to be normal. I want to feel okay. But hey. Life isn't nice to me. Fuckers.
  I'm currently sat here with tears in my eyes writing this post. Listening to Kid Cudi. Because every Cudi fan knows this guy is a depression fighter too, and his music is perfect to me no matter what mood I'm in I can listen to him. Such a beautiful man, a beautiful artist. It's annoying how not many people in the UK know him, I really want to see him perform, I will 100% be crying at his concert.
  I don't know why my mood has gone down. But hey do I ever? I'm fucking lonely and alone. People assume I'm not. But hey guess what? I fucking am.
  doesn't help when people you fell for contact you when you're vulnerable and shit. Life isn't fair to me it really isn't. If I was rich? Like fuck I would care about people. Money would keep me happy. Buying whatever. Who cares for people? Love? My cats and money are only things I'd ever need... But I aint bloody rich so it's just emptiness and my love for my cats. Ha. Destined to be alone, lonely and hnhappy forever.

  On a positive note I'm trying out a couple things that I hope will help my illness. My D Ribose is here all ready and when i use it I do see a little difference... But not proper because well I'm so used to being in pain I don't notice much other than that anymore.

  Can I just be happy, illness free, and not fed up and bored anymore please? Surely I have a guardian angel or a fairy godmother please.

  I should go cry myself to sleep. Before I do end it all. I hate life.

Hoping.

  My emotions are both on and off right now. Sort of in between. Leaning more towards being perfectly fine... It's strange tbh how one minute I am fine. And not the next. Though my illness is still mild but bad and steadily getting worse I'm just hoping to be okay.
  I have accepted the fact that relationships and happiness just isn't for me... I will forever be alone with my cat family. (I never want kids). I think that small part of hope for love is dwindling ever more. I mean what is the point of love anyway. It leaves you even more broken. And I have become pretty strong over all the messing around...

I'm just ranting right now. Because I aint updated in a while. But hey. Oh well. I like to blog.

Fallout 4.

  So since I have been replaying this game I thought I would do a review blog on the game... I love this game, it's brilliant!

  I got this game as soon as it came out to be honest, and it took maybe a couple months to complete the main storyline, and a few months to complete more side missions. Then I was basically doing up my settlements, the first add on I got was the one with the cages (I'm sleepy so I can't bloody remember the name of it right now). I just wanted more and more animals in my settlements, like little pets!! Haha. Obviously my favourite is the cat one, I just love cats!
  The recent(ish) DLC, the vault add on, well what can I say?! I couldn't figure out how to do it properly. So my vault is also like a mini campsite. The reason being because whenever I tried to add on a part of a building it just would line up then hit the wall of the cave... And it was just so much effort to figure it out, so I would just have mine jumbled. It still looks good and I currently have 22 people in that settlement!
  The newest DLC. Nuka World... I love it... Until I hit a goddamn glitch with no way now to complete the bloody missions. Basically when you go to Kiddie World you are supposed to see Oswald right? Well I don't see him! I even went to the tunnels hoping he'd be there talking to that painted charred ghoul... And he isn't there. Just the ghoul, and he bows at me when I walk in the room, so I feel tight killing him seeing how he'd be hahaha. If you read this and you have any goddamn answers? Please feel free to comment because I just wanna complete Nuka World haha! Ugh. The rest of the DLC is going quite well.. I've cleared the other areas of course.
  With Fallout 4 it is 100% like Skyrim, you can always go back to the game, in fact just like The Witcher too, games you can go back too as you can always find something new to do. A new side mission or building another settlement. I'm gutted there will be no other DLC's for Fallout 4... But hopefully they are making Fallot 5, and we don't have to wait so long ;). I do think they should bring some cars or horses for Fallout though, a faster transportation you know?!
  Ey maybe in Fallout 5 they will introduce making babies and marraige, think I'd kinda love that one! Haha. And become like some sort of matchmaker for other settlers to continue the settler life... Heres hoping! Ha.

Why do I even bother?

  Seriously. I just don't have a clue why I even bother with the opposite sex. They are honestly all the fucking same were I live, yet can't afford to move away, it is a fucking ball ache! I mean. What does it take to someone I'm interested in be interested back without them playing me? Or wanting 7372637 girls.
  I mean I don't mind sharing if I have too. I'm used to that, as I have had to share every guy I have ever got invloved with... But cmon at least be fucking honest about. That's all I ask. But noooo males want to lie and lie and lie.
  I don't know what a decent male is out of friendship. I really don't but even then friends leave as everyone leaves. I'm definately cursed. Everyone I have ever cared about has left my life, fucked me over.
  Why do I bother? I don't have a clue.
  Feel like becoming a player and using men at this rate. Not for sex, I aint no slag. But like to get out of the house maybe.
  I wish I was wasn't here.

Fantastic... Not.

  So I just had a nap. Hoping to feel like myself again... But naaa. Life is still fucking against me. My eyes are focusing a little bit better at least this time... Honestly. With my illness. I wouldn't even wish it upon someone I really fucking hate. And that is saying something. I mean. Sleep never helps but you need a fucking lot. My body constantly aches. It just isn't fucking fair.
  My depression is still making me feel like shit too. I actually just feel so lonely and alone. One of those days when I miss having someone of the opposite sex... But at the same time know it is for the best know it is a good job I will forever be single. I mean I'm such a fucking burden.
  Don't bother saying 'you'll find someone' I realised that will never be the case. Too many fuckboys, and males just never seem to grow up. Always fucking boys!!
  I should of been born in the 60s for the romance when it still fucking existed and when most males would be faithful and romantic... Well. I hope anyway. It seems it. I mean. Never has someone bought me flowers just for the sake out to be all cute and shit. It isn't fair.
  The Financial Domination thing is still slow as well, literally constant timewasters... And it's like just don't. I like gifts. And if you say you will buy yoi should. Not just get my goddamn hopes up as I can't spoil myself. But yet there are a few people who around here have copied me and doing well. I so wish I hadn't been so public about it. Because then I wouldn't of been copied.
  On about being copied... It always happens. Like alot. I mean I'm myself. Yet no other fucker is.
  I wish I could work full time still. I miss having money. Always being busy. Too busy to worry about fucktards that fuck me over. I miss having alot of money too.
  I should continue to write but recently my energy really hasn't been so good. Been so up and down. Not able to sleep at night, sleeping all day, and if I wake up too early I get about 728373 more symptoms of my illness... But yet sleep never fucking helps either.
  I wish I wasn't so picky with men, but at the same time... I have to be. I don't want to just settle just because. Like everyone around here popping out like 60 kids. I never want kids. I really feel so strong about that, I don't get broody for humans.... I get broody for cats... But my mum won't let me get anymore... And I can't afford to move out.
  So much shit goes on in my mind it makes me crazy. I want someone. I don't. It's bullshit. Loneliness hurts me. You'll probably be sat there like wtf is she on. I'll tell ya... Hating life and going through too much. Everyone leaves. One of the strongest statements written on my body, and one of the truest.
  Why was I born into a horrible place with the worst people ever? Comstantly fucked over by humans? Having some of my cats die? Abused? Some other shit I'm not ready to come out with yet but absolutely fucking ruined me? Why was I given my illnesses? Why do I have to fight all the fucking time with myself? Life isn't fair with me. I have never known true happiness. And I never will.

Yep, I still hate life and wish I wasn't here.

One of those days.

Okay. Since yet again I feel like I can't turn to anyone... I guess I'm back to my blog to vent aint I. I mean god knows.
  So I woke up this morning and my depression felt the need to hit me and make me feel like absolute shit today. I just feel so empty and unhappy, it really fucking sucks. When I have a touch or feel of happiness it gets taken from me, and it's starting to really piss me off. Someone who controls the life shit really has it in for me I swear to god. Giving me illnesses, having me fucked over all the time. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!
  I'm talking shit I know. My illnesses are really shitty right now. My CFS also has decided to give me a fucking bad day... Literally so tired, so sore, my head is killing me, my eyes are tired, I feel extremely fucking sick... I just wish I didn't have this illness anymore.
  In fact, today is legit one of those days where I wish I wasn't here... I mean what the actual fuck is the point? I have noone or nothing to live for.
  Normally people buying things cheers me up... But not today, not like I have any anyway, they've all disappeared again, it's fucking annoying. Just because there are so many dommes and not enough payers, and the idiots keep paying fakes instead of me. I've realised now though I actually have been doing this for more than a year! got my dates mixed up I guess.
  My sex drive pisses me off aswell you know. I mean always turned on but no decent males that can just fuck me and they can't even keep up with me. I never used to be like this, I wonder why I'm like this all of a sudden. It's ridiculous.
  My mood today is crazy and all over the place. My heart hurts today because I'm in a shit mood. I just want to be happy. I wish the universe would just listen to me and stop givig me bad fucking luck. Life bores me. People bores me. I just don't want to be here. I can't wait for something to push me completely over the fucking edge.

High School shit.

  At the end of the last post I said I would post another post regarding when I started High School. So here you go.
  I started in St Mary's before going to Lowton. And I was there for a year and a half. Me and my 'best friend'. I was ugly till I was 18 I'd say but even then I'm still ugly hahaha! So yeah when I was in St Mary's. I vaguely remember some parts yet again, just the bad shit. Hahaha. Ugh. There was this one little prick who made my life hell, back then I could never put on weight and I used to eat soooo bloody much. So my nickname off this guy was 'anorexic'. And it was awful because obviously everyone else joined in. I literally had nobody. Jumping from person to person for someone to hang with so I didn't look so much of a loser, even though I walked into a bin once :'). I used to fance someone really bad and I gave him a valentines card... What did he do? Laugh in my face and ripped it up. Making my confidence from 0 to -53837. Grim!
  The 'best friend' of mine said she was leaving Mary's for Lowton. I basically followed her. Bring on a few more years of hell at High School. When I first started my 'best friend' had a new best friend... So now there was a Trio, except I was the one they always shut out, invite each other, but missed me out sometimes. That sucked. The guys in my year were never interested... In fact noone was interested in me. Just like now really. With my massive ears, long thin brown hair, I couldn't blame then! I hadn't even filled out either till the last couple of years of school when I turned chubster ha. I got bullied off pretty much everyone. And after year 8? I literally had to jump from group to group as these two best mates had turned popular, so yet again I had to hang with anyone who would. Loner life was intense. Boring. I used to have to stop myself crying daily. It was bad.
  And then there was the first actual 'love interest' which lasted about a week. He basically used me to make his ex jealous... Then got back with his ex... But it was fun while it lasted... Except I got hurt, madly. I got called 'stalker' for a while because of my over-texting of the guys from the year above... It wasn't my fault. I felt ignored. And I'll be honest. I still do it now the 'over text'!  Basically. I still got bullied in High School. The 'popular' lot used to laugh in my face. It wasn't very nice. I had noone, in the end I used to just spend my days pratically on my own. I used to also cut myself I hated being bullied that much, it was awful. I'm not proud of doing what I did, but obviously my depression has been around for a very long time. Just like my CFS. I hated High School. Lowton High breeds cunts. I swear to god. If someone from that school is reading this and you know you bullied me... Guess what? You're still pathetic and I know because a bunch of you still try and bully me. Grow up.
  The only good thing about my High School years were my home life until we moved house again. The fact about kids 5-18 all being able to hang out and shit, it was good. I miss those days. I mean what isn't to like about a massive group playing manhunt, or kick a ball and hide? Or even bulldog! But even then. Because this group was big, and others joined us from not so far sometimes it could get dramatic, and yeah I felt the brunt of it. Like there was one guy in the street everyone used to be in love with... But he played us all, like literally was seeing us all at once. It was hilarious, and me being crazy used to always kick off ha. But back then I wasn't the strong person I am today. So I didn't exactly kick off. People used to call me names.
  Playscheme was fun then, no longer existing anywhere I don't think but it was fun. It was basically a group were they organised outings for the kids. Camelot, Southport even a field with a blow up slide once and other stuff. Kids were allowed to be kids then. No shitty Social Media stopping us! They should bring them back.
  I guess even back then guys played me... I mean the kid who got off with every girl on the street, the guy in High School, oh and there was the one at the top of the street who I used to think the world of, till he cut me out. Like a few years back I found out the truth for that... He had fucked my friend. Even though I never had sex till after I left school I still got played.
  The bullying was the worst thing for me. The bigger shit happened after. (Read previous posts).
God knows what I think of to post next... But I will and I'll keep you updated.

More things that made me, me.

  Since people are actually reading my blogs these days. I thought I would write another post! About my childhood/teen days.... How I can say that I have always been lonely and alone. Never really having proper friends in a way, I don't know...
  I started off living in Westleigh, obviously going to that primary school for the first few years of my life. I had friends. But I didn't. Obviously because I was so young I only remember parts, just like everyone would. Unless they have some super memory type shit! Haha.
  I remember having a group of friends, well sort of anyway, they all came to my birthday parties when that was a thing. I also had two other mates, one I'm sort of still in touch with the other one? No idea. Back then I remember with these two, one was obsessed with horses, she had a gigantic back garden as well, as she had a birthday party once at her house, the other girl I remember doing 'bloody mary' in the toilet the rushing out the toilet so I 'didn't die'. Funny the shit you do isn't it! Back to the group, they were nice at first... Then shit got bad. The older brother of one of the girls bullied me really badly. And because I used to have to go there after school to wait for my mum, so it was unavoidable. He used to lock me under the stairs (i was scared of the dark extremely back then) and I'd be crying so much, yet his 'parents' never even stopped him or noticed, neither did the sister who I was a friend with. It was horrifying, he probably did more, in fact I'm sure he did but I remember being under these stairs crying my heart out. And then there was one time he scared me so much I actually peed myself... Yeah. Embarassing for me. And then back to this group, there was this one guy who got me to steal pokemon cards off two of the girls in the group. He took half. Till the next day, he shover them all back to me... Because he had 'grassed me up' and made it look like it was me who just stole them. You could of guessed what happened then... Yep, they all fucking bullied me in this group. Pushing me around, calling me names. It was fucking awful. But then we finally moved house. And thankfully. I no longer had to put up with these at this school.
  I moved to a better place, in a way anyway. I remember the new primary school wasn'r as bad. I don't actually think I was bullied here. Well nothing too bad or I would have remembered. Like I had with the first school and the 'friends' I had there. It was kinda peaceful, handstands, playing with other kids, playing marbles, my god I miss being a kid, and I wouldn't want to be a kid from this generation, they're all rats consumed by technology. I miss the good days. I do remember reading all the lower key stage books too soon and having to go to the later books and reading through all them too, such a bloody nerd, and I still am now. I also like used to ace spelling tests. I was brilliant as a nerd in this school. I acted once too, and it made me realise I am not cut out for in front of a camera in that way. Too self conscious.
  I could sing back then too, I had a 'best friend' back then before we started high school and others got in the middle of us and we used to go to hers or ours and sing our hearts out and she used to be jealous because I was the only one who could the high notes for a very long time... Now I haven't clue how I sound now. I also won a trophy once at Kareoke. Only thing I ever won till I won a fee bets and books!
  The street I lived on was brilliant too. I mean when I was in Primary school there was just a few kids who would come out but once it was High School so many kids used to come out between the ages of 5-18. It was ridiculous. And amazing how such an isolated street brought together the kids.
  After the shitty start at the shit primary school & area full of nasty people, life got better when we moved. But then I got older. And I started High School, and it got worse again... But that will be in the next post. Thanks for reading.

Never ending flip in emotions.

  The title says it all I guess. I've been amazing all day... And I sit here? I'm almost in tears yet again thinking.
  I don't know what it is but my emotions love to flip from to the other and it proper fucks me up. All I want is to be happy, but it seems impossible.
  Money and cats are the only think to make me happy. I mean don't get me wrong. Love would also make me happy... But what is the point? I mean I have never in my life met a loyal male when it comes to me. In fact sometimes to others as well. It's just a giant ball of being unloyal. If I begin to see someone I worry they'll fuck me off... In fact they always do. It makes me feel not good enough. I mean sure I can be a little crazy... But isn't everyone? I mean only reason I get crazy is when a guy ignores me, or they're like 'there isn't anyone else' when you've told them to tell you if there is... But yet they do have someone else. And they always go for the other girl, then they split. And they come straight back to me... Any wonder why I'm head fucked? I'd understand if I was easy... But I'm far fucking from it! Anyway. I have accepted that love from humans is impossible, I always love, and never am loved back. In my eyes anyway. I don't even care.
  As I sit here with tears in my eyes Mumble came and cuddled and kissed me. I think he knows when his human mummy needs comfort, only animal love is th love I'll get... But hey I don't really mind. My cats have been babied so they're loyal (mostly Eric and Mumble, they even come to me before food to say hello when they come in, strange for cats as they normally go for food right away). My cats are my babies... I don't want real babies, ever. I don't think I could cope. My illness would be worse, I could pass it on, and I couldn't deal being a single parent!!
  Money? I don't live on much. £60 a week. I am able to put some money aside once a fortnight though which is good. It's why I love the Financial Domination thing. I love getting money and gifts off those willing to give... I mean who wouldn't? Especially when you cannot spoil yourself due to no longer being able to work full time, and you don'r recieve birthday or christmas presents anymore. 23 and too old to celebrate really! So the whole financial domination thing is fun for me. But it can be annoying when idiots don't understand the thing then are like 'what do you do for them?'  You need to read this, and read it carefully, THEY GET A KICK OUT OF SENDING ME MONEY.
  My life really is pointless.  I sleep all week, I work weekends... Go out the occasional Sunday, repeat, repeat, when will I ever be okay?
I just know I am supposed to be alone and lonely with my cats and living at home forever due to not being able to work and not wanting to take off the government... Like everyone else, especially the ones who pop out kids for benefits it's very annoying.
  Know another thing that really ticks me off? When people tell me I don't deserve anyone for posting my body, and calling me a slut, I mean. I am pretty sure sluts sleep around... But me? I'm like a fucking virgin pretty much. I'd rather fuck one person than a whole bunch of them. I prefer to build a connection... Otherwise I just do not enjoy sex. And me not deservig anyone is bullshit... I mean if I was a model it would be okay. But truth is I'm not comfortable others taking my photos... Or I would have gone for it.

So,
Love has to be off the list... As I will never have that. Maybe I will have a sex buddy. But naaaa. Love isn't on the cards and to be quite honest I am glad... who wants love really? It rips you apart and nothing lasts!
Money is half on, half off, because I just about cope with that £60 a week, and this financial domination is very touch and go because there are so many dommes and little paypigs... I mean the idiots even pay fakes and them cry about it. It's not hard to tell a fake. So anything I do get when I am approached is good fun, so that is why it's on and off since people buying are not constant. And that Amazon Wishlist trick is fucking annoying... If you're not gonna buy don't. Don't pretend too that's wose! Get your hopes up for fuck all.
Cats is the one fully on my list... They love me and are loyal. What more could I ask for?!


 I don't have much to look forward to in life to be honest. Just little things. Like;
My next tattoo (managed to save enough for it)
Seeing a strip show in October
And then heading back to Newcastle in April for my birthday...

Not much hey.

My illnesses don't help. CFS/ME and depression. I'm always fighting. Always. I never have a break. I mean my body feels like it's being pricked with needles constantly. And after work? My god it's even worse. It is like a knife is slicing my body up bit by bit. I dread the day the ME/CFS gets worse. I don't think I could cope with being in a wheelchair. I don't know. Depression makes me think emotionally. Think about how easier It would be if I wasn't here...

See what I mean? I'm always fighting my illnesses.

A long blog post... That probably won't get read. But hey. I have to vent somehow rigt? And since I wouldn't want to burden people... I do it on a fucking blog post!

Ciao.

I prefer it when I'm okay.

As the title says... I prefer when I'm okay. My version of okay is literally being emotionless... I'm getting more and more days like this and I think it's because I don't bother anymore. With anyone. I mean what is the point? Noone is fucked about me. They always act like they do, but were are they on my goddamn down days?! They are not around.

If I could choose I would always be heartless and emotionless only showing affection for my cats... Wasy way way easier. I'd rather sit and talk to my cats now. These days people can barely keep a conversation!! Or they do then out of nowhere? Disappear.

It's annoying. Very annoying. My illness makes it impossible for me to live a normal life. I have to sleep alot, simple things can exhaust me wnd make me crash, I mean I do have a high sex drive, which should of actually gone but never had... But what use is having a sex drive when noone to fulfill those needs much and you aren't even easy.

I had a friend the other day tell me how it was weird that I had pretty much never had a best friend, but it's true. I mean, I have never fully trusted anyone. Or noone stuck around long enough.

In my eyes I still stick by 'everyone leaves' because they do.

Best thing for me.

Recently. I have just been numb in the mind, not been really emotional. Not got time to think due to being more tired, maybe I should keep at these late nights so I don't have to think! Hahaha.

If you're reading this and you feel like you know you can relate to maybe depression, and feeling lonely you're always free to message me... I mean. I've been a fighter all my life, I cope well enough but there are some times when I don't really cope. Those days are the worst. When I sit there thinking 'what is the point of me being alive'? I mean. Single. Can't work. Still at home. Not many friends. They only bother when they want too... You know how it is.

It is 100% hard on those times.

The only thing that really cheers me up? Peoplebuying me things! So if you are reading this and you are one of those that buys things... Go ahead and buy them! Make me feel happy!

Another thing to make me happen is my cats as well.

I do need another reason to live.

I guess. I shouldn't be sooo depressed, but I can't help it since it is a mental illness... They need a goddamn cure for this along with CFS. I'm fighting every day I stay alive. Like more than others. People always tell me 'people are worse' and yes I know that, but it doesn't mean I can cope any better than others... I am coping by just sleeping. But what is life? When all I do is sleep?

I do need more reasons to live, because right now my only reasons are my cats and my three Kanye, Cudi, and Vic... And then my other artists, basically just my music, how sad. Cats and music.

But at least I have them reasons... I think without my cats I wouldn't be here, they are legit my babies, yes I am a crazy cat lady!! And not ashamed!! Hahaha.

I'm not sleeping at night at the moment... I get in bed and my mind is just so overthinking, I'm so sad, I just breakdown and cry... Literally my sleep at night is me getting into bed, sleeping, but not sleeping because I am aware of me trying to sleep... This is till around 6am and I finally fall asleep, and then I get woken by my family who do not know how to be quiet and just scream and bang around.... And then I finally fall asleep about 9/10. But I'm forcing myself to wake at 12 at least. But god, my head and body hurts more and my tiredness is bloody intense.

I don't know what I did to deserve a shit life, ai think if I got more than £60 a week I'd be happier, I'd have more money, because in Financial Domination there are so many timewasters and criers.

Maybe someone is listening to me... I just want to finally be happy.

I've been in a bad place recently...

for those who personally know me, know recently I've been in a fucked up place. But hey I should eventually come out of this, well, I always do eventually... Life is so hard with my illnesses, and yes I know people have it worse, but I should be allowed not to cope if I can't and sometimes, I really really can't.

Not much has and can cheer me up right now, other than cats, money, and gifts...

What's causing my breakdowns? I'm unsure. It's like I lie in bed and think how lonely and alone I am, and even though I have friends, I will never get that 'special someone'. I trust noone and noone even wants me in the first place.

My eyesight is doing my head in. It's like my CFS is making my eyesight blur and unable to focus sometimes... It really sucks.

I would love to be normal and illness free. People take life for granted, you don't know a thing when you struggle to live and love off hardly a thing because you can only work part time but have keep and cats to pat for...

An endless shitty cycle.

Me Before You.

Wow wow wow.

Okay so when I heard of this movie coming out (I actually hadn't heard of it before, even though it was a book first). But yeah I went and got the book, obviously... And so I read that book, I also got the book After You as well.
Jojo Moyes is a brilliant authour and I ended up getting even more of her books, some I haven't read yet, because I have like 50 books I have yet to get through!!

But yeah, this book and movie are both brilliant, of course the movie left out some points of the book, but still I loved every second. It is going to be one of my favourite Romance movie and book for a very long time.

The whole thing where there isn't an actual proper happy ending was a change from the obvious happy ending... Which in this case it would have been Will staying alive and living happily ever after with Louise.
The storyline of the paralytic is a strong one, and obviously some people have spread hate but in all honesty people need to take a chill pill and put themself in the characters shoes! If I was Will I actually would have done the same... Love is sometimes not enough to want to stay alive. In some ways I have felt like Will in that sense, I know CFS/ME is not really as bad but it can give you the sense of no longer wanting to live.

If you haven't read the book. I suggest you do. THEN watch the movie. Like I said some things are missed out but isn't that always the case of movie adaptations.

I really do hope they make a movie adaptation of After You.

Sexist, ignorant minds.

So. Basically. What annoys me so much how ignorant and sexist people can be regarding everything, especially when it come to the naked body.

Males are allowed to do as they wish, they can show off what they have and it's okay... But females? It isn't allowed. It really fucking pisses me off. Don't be so sexist, ignorant and judgemental...

Everyone who has me on social media knows that I tend to post my body. And then ASSUME that I'm a slag, who sleep around etc, etc... Just seriously fuck off. Ignorant. I don't sleep around. If you really must know it's almost the 7th month of the year and I have had sex only three times. Males piss me off how they think with their dick!

Yesterday I had two males tell me how I don't deserve a decent male because I post my body. My response they get blocked. Of course I deserve a decent bloke. It isn't my fault they don't fucking exist! Or if they do they don't want me!

I do not post my body for attention or 'likes'... Another thing STUPID IGNORANT idiots ASSUME. I post it because I am proud of how fucking much weight I have lost, and how good my body still is even though I can't really work out now because of my illness. Who wouldn't be proud of that?!

It isn't my fault I don't want to fuck you males, so you decide to troll me. Or you females are jealous because you have no fucking balls to post what I do.

Fuck you haters. Fuck you ignorant, sexist, narrow-minded fools.

Times are changing. Females should not be fucking terrorised because they are proud, or be told that they deserve to have noone, or deserve to be treated like shit because of it.

If that is the case then you males don't deserve shit either.

Equality, fools. Grow up.

Weight Loss.

For people who struggle losing weight or blame the fact they can't lose weight because they can't afford the surgery is just utter bullshit. It's just all about not giving into junk food and training yourself not to be so hungry to the point of ober feeding yourself! Unless of course you have a thyroid problem, then you do have an excuse.

You just have to have your heart actually into losing weight. Take it from me. I was chubby when I was with my ex. We split up, and I lost 2 stone. I'm so proud of thAt. I'm also proud of the fact I managed to keep it off. And I can't even work out anymore. As I used to work out every day, plus working 6 days a week, and eat healthily. But now. My illness has fucked me over and all I do now is eat healthy as I can to keep that weight loss off. I'll be damned if ai become chubby again.

I'm still not 100% happy. But what girl is happy unless rich, or famous to get surgery tp sort the problems they have... But yeah I guess I'm happier than when I was chubby. I never ever want to be chubby again. Or be bigger. Some people are happy with that, but I really am not. Curves and slim, just how I am.

Vic Mensa.

You know, when I saw Vic Mensa at Wireless a few years back I didn't even know who he was (shamefully). I still didn't even know after I left the place. It took a few months to see him have released some music, then it all clicked together... I listened to every song, except 'down on my luck (sorry Vic, but too dancy for me), got the mixtape, and my love for him grew and grew, and now he is one of my favourites.

Not many people from were I live have a clue who he is,but that's because were I am they're all chavs who listen to shit music and don'r appreciate brilliant music. Honestly, I feel like the only non sheep around here. I like who I like, and Vic is one of those artists.

He's been slow as bringing out music though... The album was supposed to be last year, but now it's this year... And I am just excited.

The new EP 'There's alot going on' has made me even more excited, and this mixtape is blowing up in America! And with me of course... And probably with a lot of people who appreciate good music in England outside of were I live! It's a deep EP. I'd say. And it'll probably be on repeat for me for a while... I just really cannot wait for this album!

You still owe me a free show Vic if you come over here... Since you did say so when I got the Save Money tattoo! I now have three Vic Mensa related tattoos... Save Money, the lyrics 'I don't need ya'll either' from U Mad, then I copied his 'opinions' tattoo... I do want more Vic Mensa related ink, but it's so expensive tattoos... I will eventually get there though, I swear!

If you do read this Vic. Do me a favour? Make my dream come true and collaborate with Kanye and Kid Cudi on the same track?! That would be fire. Alot of people know it. Alot of people want it. It's just I want it a hell of a lot more since you're all my faves!

I'm excited for future projects and music from Vic. He is one talented artist. Watch this space.

Weakness.

I'm normally a really strong person... But when it comes to love, romance and relationships my head falls off... All I want is my happy ending with someone, but males seem to be absolute retarded cheating unloyal lying cunts and they really fuck me off... I deserve to be happy for once. I deserve to be loved back rather than only me being the one to love...

Recently I waited for someone, it actually looked promising. Then I see his ex who is plastered in all of his photos on Facebook liking and commenting on his recent posts. And from what I knew they weren't talking. So I asked and his excuse that they 'are good mates'

What bullshit.

It's a repeat, he's totally rekindling that romancw... I know it. And alot of people have pretty much said it's obvious. Just like when he hid me, ignored me, all because he wanted others.

It makes me question myself. And ask... Will I ever be fucking good enough? Or will I always face this heartbreak and my head being fucked over?

When you miss someone.

Before you assume I mean exes or shitty males... Then no.
I miss certain friends who were in my life but left. Like everyone does.
I genuinly have never have a proper best friend. I mean if I really I had... They wouldn't of left, right?!

God knows. But I miss those friends. Certain ones. I have actually tried to reach out to certain ones, and I just got blanked, so I guess it's a good thing that I left them. Or they left me. But yeah. I don't need fake people... I really don't.

I'm better off being lonely and alone than having fake and sly snaked in my life...

I have so many random thoughts. It's good that I blog this shit. I never ever want to burden anyone with what I feel... Besides the ones who I have... Tended to... Yeah, leave. I swear I am cursed yk never be happy and have every fucker leave my life...

Where is my happiness?

Forever changing.

Everybody in life changes. Always changing.

I myself have changed so much, I went from a carefree child to a depressed bullied lonely teen, to a bit of an idiot, to loving but not being loved, to finding my way again, loving again, and now, right now I would say I'm lonely, alone, bored, ill, and I am also stronger, with walls up pretty high, but I also don't give a fuck.

Other aspects changed as well, like for music, I went from liking 90s bands, to ttrance/dance, to rock, to faithless, then I stumbled upon Hip Hop. And that is the music that stuck with me, since probably year 10, and my love for it has grown, it is the music that has drawn me to it the most, and I can'r believe I ever liked anything else, but I like what I like. And there are a few others that I like too that isn't HipHop, like Calvin Goldspink (formerly of S Club 8), One Direction, and then 5ive and Blue, but I still know old Faithless and FALL Out Boy... Everything else these days is just noise to me. And I live in a place were everyone just listens to chavvy music!

Tastebuds... Things I used to hate like veg, fish, I now love and things I used to love, I now hate and it makes me ill, bet a lot of people can relate!

Everyone changes, everyone evolves.

I'm waiting for what I want.

Basically, I'm waiting for what I want, which is the last guy who was a bellend because he was scared to be with me, but he's working on him to be different for me, I just really hope while I'm waiting that he doesn't find someone else... I mean, hpw unfair would that be?! I've said no to a few guys asking me out because I am waiting for him.

Maybe I'm stupid because he may be fucking around. But yeah it sucks. I don't know if he'll even come back to me. Am I grasping at straws and he won't? I dunno but I guess only time will tell... Because well I just want him. And when you know what you want, you go for what you want.

Supernatural.

If you haven't yet watched this Finale... Don't read. Unless you aren't bothered about spoilers of course.

Well, well, well, what an amazing ending.. And it shocked me. I mean I thought maybe Amara and Dean would get together (something I am actually hoping for in the future). But nooo they bring back Sam and Dean's mum back! Without of course Sam knowing as that bitch just shot him, well it seemed that way.
I'm glad the world didn't end, but of course we know that wouldn't happen anyway... Since they had already renewed the show! At least Amara and God are happy and healthy now, even if they're disappearing for abit.

Supernatural is ny far one of my favorite TV shows, In fact it has to be my favorite of all! And well, it has to be a favorite of many... I mean 11 seasons. Renewed for a 12th and probably renew for more...

I'm a lover of Sam, Dean and Cas, Cas has got to be the most amusing angel ever, what with his love of trashy shows, and his confusing reactions towards porn. He makes me giggle. But then the Sam and Dean love, I just do not think I could ever choose between them! Bad I know.

I'm excited for the next season.,. I really hope Amara comes back, she should be with Dean. But I'm excited to see how they pull off this whole mother situation... I mean she's the same age as when she died... So pratically the same age as Sam and Dean! And hoping that Sam is saved.

Bring on Season 12!!

Wishes.

The title says it all.
I bloody wish to be emotionless again... I mean I actuallywas towards the end of last year and beginning of this year, I cut off my emotions.
But then they came back.

I'm hoping that one day I'll be back being emotionless, it sounds bad but I can't deal with my depression and emotions.... Which both mix into one another. Along with the CFS/ME. It's all just a ball of illnesses wrapped into one another... Maybe like an elastic band ball?

Them balls used to baffle me. Like who has the time put a bunch of elastic bands into a ball?! But at the same time I wanted to make one. Weird haha.

I wish that I also get to be loved. In my eyes I have never been loved. It is always me loving. And never being loved. How utterly shit. I wish I couldn't love either. That shit fucks me up more because well who enjoys loving but not being loved? Bound to become heart broken right?!

Emotionless, loveless, and a bloody cure for CFS please. :').

A constant fight.

I swear, CFS/ME, is such a shit illness.
I really hope they make a cure or help, even if it's when I'm gone... Noone deserves to love through this.
I mean I know my blog always drones on, especially about my loneliness and illnesses, but hey when you have noone else to vent tol, this for me is my venting thing. Alls good.

This post is about my fight, my daily fight, it's a fight to get up, it's a fighht to stay alive, it's even a bloody fight to move these days!!
I'm supposed to fight my naps, but I just had to give in.,. I still feel like absolute shit.

For anyone who has this illness will sort of understand, but wow, even I don't fully understand it. I just think it's so shit that I got this illness, but I always get all the bullshit... How fun.

My days are consumed by my shows. My books. And this summer is gonna be a long one with no friends, and waiting for a guy to come back to me... But yeah. I have fuck all to watch as all the shows are ending and only back in the fall, and there are not many starting in the Summer, hella bullshit this hahaha.

Empire.

So, Empire has just ended season two, and my god I will not be happy if they killed off Rhonda! It will be so unfair, on Andre mainly. I mean he always has that unhappy ending, no singing, a dad that hates him because he isn't gifted and bipolar, having a mental illness, and then losing his baby... He doesn't deserve to lose his wife too! Besides Anika is the one who should die. She's viscous!

Having to wait till fall for season 3 is going to drag, I'd love series to never have a break ever!

This is one of my fave shows anyway, one of the first and only series that is focused on a music series, and that music is HipHop... Were I live not many people appreciate HipHop. So as you can tell not alot of people have watched Empire. Which sucks. I'd love a friend who had the bloody same interests as me.

People always have their favourites and that but I don't tend to have one... But at the same time I'm hunting for Luscios... Terrence Howard plays him so well, and I love his voice. Is it just me who want's him to sing more?!

I hope Empire lasts a long time, maybe even as long as Supernatural, I'd love both of them to never end. even when they get old. Proper saddo me!

Loneliness really does consume me.

I don't know were the hell I went wrong to never have anyone stay in my life?
Know what else I've figured out? Whoever hears my past... Pretty soon they disappear. So I be thinking that my past is also cursed... How fun. Not.

I spend all my time on my own. Except work weekends. I guess it's a good job I have such a social job isn't it.

I'm super duper tired today, making me feel worse and like utter shit. I don't even have the energy to bring a fork to my goddamn mouth without having long rests in between... It sucks.

I wanted to meet someone tomorrow... But who the fuck is there to meet? Noone! I have to get my injection which is why I thought I'd go meet someone.

Fuck. It's really hurting me. I really feel like I have noone. My heart literally aches at being lonely and alone, I guess I should never bother.

Annoyance.

So my emotions came back to my annoyance... CBA. I just never want emotions. I hate depression. I hate CFS. Why me?!

I spent all night crying at the fact I will forever be alone... And I don't want to be. It sucks. Like it really fucking sucks.

Can you scientests create a machine now so I can make my perfect man? I don't even care if he is a robot like. Just fed up of the fuck boys, inconsiderate losers that only want one thing only. And it seems to be everyone. I vent so much on this blog, I should be in a crazy house at this rate because it's pratically me talking to myself... But then again I do that every day anyway. Legit conversations with myself. Why? Because I have noone to talk to of course.

The only thing that keeps me going is my fur babies. But I know something will push me over the edge, too far to be scared to die anymore.

Weird how I wish that right? I hate life.

My past lives I must have been some serial killer or something to deserve such bullshit!

I don't know anymore. I want to be happy. But happiness never happens. And I don't think
It ever will.

Empty mind.

Normally on Sunday I tend to be the worst illness wise, both depression and CFS/ME... Today, I am extremely exhausted like always. And I haven't done much. But I'm not emotional thankfully. I hate it when I'm emotional, to the point of stressing myself out. Feeling sick. It's just hella bullshit.

I realised another thing. Losing my voice. It's part of my illness. Just another crappy thing I have to put with. I've lost it atm and I thought nothing on it. Then I realised it's because I've been run down. And then more thinking to last year when I worked full time... So obviously that made my illness worse... And I kept losing my voice too. I did have a look online at some people who have CFS/ME. And they've said theyve lost their voice too from it. How absolute shit.

Its definately good not to feel emotion. I wish I could be like this forever. Maybe then I wouldn't be so hot headed, and I wouldn't love... Something I could really do without. Since well noone ever actually loves me back!

Obvious I'd like to keep my love for my cats,..
They do in fact love me back the little beauties.

I'm dragging on and on because my mind is in fact empty! Hahaha.

Sat here continuing my re-watch of Misfits... Which is nearly over so I'll be onto Being Human. Then I have a feeling I'll do a Fast and Furious marathon... I've just bought the omes I don't have yet.

I'm excited for my tattoo Thursday, there is a hidden meaning, that only few know. I don't think I'm ready to tell people the meaning yet... But I still can't wait. I'll upload photos of course when everything is done...

Always wondering what I did wrong?

Again. The title is self explanatory. What the hell have I done to deserve such a shit and lonely life?!
On top of my illness getting worse, I just have to be okay with forever being on my own... I mean. It's obvious. I'm destined to be alone. Everyone fucks me over. It isn't just males. It's also 'friends' I thought I had... Everyone just disappears, literally everyone has left my life.
I guess I really can say I'm used to it. I spend 24:7 on my own. Except weekends when I have work. That is my only life. Working weekends.
I guess it's a good thing I have my illness. Because I have to sleep my life away because I need too.

Sometimes. I just want to fall asleep. And never wake up.

And yes. I know the dark thoughts are back... But I can't help them... Why? Because I'm so fucking alone and I know it is what is meant to be... But doesn't mean it hurts. I never used to cry. But now I cry all the time. It sucks.

Writing.

Finally!
I've been writing a couple books, and I actually had written loads on the first one. But then I struggled with what to write next... I guess I had writers block. And I actually had this for a goddamn year, so I am so happy that it's finally gone.
I mean it is in fact so fucking hard to write a book so I am still going to struggle, but thankfully I managed yo write just over a page today, I mean isn't that much but it is at the same time.
I just really badly hope that I can get the books done eventually, though I have no idea were I would go next I guess I have to figure that out, but I'd love to be published.

If you read this. And you are a writer and you have some advice. Please comment below!

Loneliness drives me crazy.

Jesus christ.
Yeah I'm venting because I feel shit. My mind is so goddamn complicated. I feel like shit for days then no emotion for some... I just don't want emotion. I really want to be heartless. I don't want to get hurt anymore. I don't deserve it. I've been through enough of this. I'm only 23 and I can honestly say I have never actually been happy.

I bet whoever reads my blog just thinks what the fuck?

Anyway. I feel proper shit today, I want to take all the pills I have and that is a lot, mainly cocodomol and anti depressants but hey.
Every day seems to be a fight.
I think if I actually had someone I wouldn't be so bad... But noone wants me.

My relationships will always be in my imagination, and it sucks.

Back on the shitty dating apps.

So... I guess I'm single. Finally rid of a cunt who would not do the simple things to help me and make my trust issues go away. It waa gonna happen anyway. I deserve better! I'm not counting that disaster as a relationship... Not like he did anyway. Keeping me a secret and all that! Fucking wanker.

keeping me a secret, not changing that relationship status, keeping the last person you slept with but making me block her, even going out of your goddamn way to add her back, blocking me on insta on twitter, adding bare girls nearby lying saying he knew them, putting me last, lying claiming all the girls he supposedly knew are good mates, hiding your screen while I'm sat next to him, and messaging other girls while I'm sat there and he should be focused on me, ignoring me but staying active, and only wanting to see me once a week.

Thats the kinda shit he did to make me worse... Even was ashamed me, now who the fuck would be ashamed of me really?!

I hope you fucking read this. I was a fool to fall for him. I got swept up in stupid lies. I wonder if the next girl does too? I mean the last one says he played her. I should of listened. Girls know that shit.

At least now I can not stress to the point of throwing up and I can find someone who actually wants me.

Joining the dating sites... Though they never actually help. Hahaha!

CFS/ME needs more awareness for real.

Well.
The title says it all really!
CFS/ME is such a shitty silent illness and not enough people know about it. And in fact those who do know about it. Don't really care or show consideration, they just say 'oh you're lazy though'. And it's like really?! Know what else annoys me? How people google it and 'hey I think I have that I'm always tired'.
Like seriously, tiredness is a big part of the illness, but it is so much more complex than that! It's no fun always being in pain, tired and the more I do I get more symptoms and more intense.
I suggest if you want to know more you google it... But it isn't really understood tbh. Not even doctors fully grasp the illness. But yeah. It does need more awareness

Like today is a bad day because of working Friday and Saturday night... I woke at half two and only moved about 3. I've eaten and now catching up with my shows, but god my body feels extremely heavy today, and more intense pain wise. I just actually cannot wait to get back to sleep. How bad is that?!

UK TV Shows.

You know right I watch a lot of TV shows, but they are all mainly American. Having CFS/ME and currently being only able to work Part-Time I have a lot of free time in the week... This title is about UK TV shows... And I hardly watch many from England. I find they have all gone downhill from when they could actually make a decent show. 

What is a decent UK show? There are only a few I like. And I have on DVD so can re-watch over and over again. 

Misfits. 

Skins. 

Waterloo Road (mainly the earlier series) 

Being Human. 

I literally have every season there is to have of these, except Waterloo Road, I currently only have 1-7. The best ones. I like all series mind, but yeah 1-7 have always been the better ones. Emotional. 

Skins is such a brilliant UK show, but I disliked the fact they tended to leave cliffhangers and leave the audience thinking 'what happened' 'what if'. There were 7 series. 3 generations. And the only generation without cliffhangers were the third. I mean Mini had her baby then it ended. But we didn't need to know much else, she got back with Alo and everyone was happy. Much different to the depressing endings to the first and second generations! 

Season 7 was shit. The 'final' season was pointless. 

I believe they should have had every character from every generation, tie off those lose ends and have a big happy-or sad ending. 

Someone needs to make that happen if I am honest. If I had money I totally would make it happen! 

Misfits is another brilliant show that I can re watch. I just got all the seasons on DVD as I'm kinda old school like that! I'm actually currently re watching these because the America shows are ending! As I have no friends I don't have much to do. But yeah back to subject... Misfits is amazing too, I mean it broke my heart when characters died. 

Being Human was another brilliant one too. Obviously every I mention are brilliant too me. Hence me being able to re watch them. After I have watched Misfits I will be re watching this one again. Another series I was sad to go! And would them to make it again! 

Waterloo Road like I said was better at the beginning... And when they said it was ending I thought they should have done a special. I'm not the only person who wishes to see what happened to Chlo, Donte, Mica and Brett! And I know people agree because I said this on a comment on Facebook and recieved hundreds of likes! 

Yeah, some people would think this is a pointless post. But a blog is to express thoughts and I was fed up of writing things do depressing. So thought I'd write about more things I love too etc. :). 

I just don't know what the fuck to do.

Pardon the swearing.
But god I'm emotional today! And as always I have noone to turn too. Not even my own 'boyfriend' gives a fuck about me. I mean there are so many simple things he could do to make me better... But no. I come second to everybody else.
I mean. I want someone to want me. Only me. Puts me first. Does whatever it takes to make me trust him... As I have beem through sooo much bullshit that I just have so many trust issues!

If you really cared for someone you'd make an effort wouldn't you? You'd put them first. I don't know. I feel so worthless, even more so than I did. I can honestly say my head is fucked!

I think it's my CFS/ME. I'm always more emotional when its a bad day. And it's always after I have worked.

I'm just so fed up. I don't want to be lonely and alone anymore. But with no real friends who want to see me, and a boyfriend who also doesn't wanna see me and is ashamed,,, well I can't help feeling lonely and alone.

I made myself strong. But this guy made me weak. Maybe I would be better off alone. Just me and my cats. I mean they love me and never leave my side. Why would I want more? I guess I'm fed up of the aching of my heart.

Hurt, hurting, always.

I swear... I really am cursed.

Do people believe in past lives? I swear I do, and I swear to god I must have been Henry the Eigth because the amount of bullshit I have been through, and what I go through still is ridiculous. I don't think anyone realises what kinda shit and how it has badly effected me.

But seriously I just get more and more bullshit the more life goes on. It's no fun.

Like seriously. In my eyes I have friends. Just no full on proper friends because I mever ever see them, and sometimes some of them can tend to not talk to me unless it suits them, which makes life even more shit... I mean who the fuck do I have to turn too? Myself. Mostly. It sometimes sucks.

And as for guys, I just get messed around. I mean like even now, I'm with someone, but he wants to keep me a secret because he's embarassed by me. He doesn't even want to see me right now, like we were supposed to meet today, but no, than other than this he only wants to see me weekly. Which sucks and kinda hurts more.

When I say I just get shit. I do. I've lost everyone in my life pretty much, noone bothers, I have a shitty illness, well three shitty illnesses, my head is fucked. I can honestly say I still think about ending it all daily. I mean who the hell would miss me? Maybe my mum. Definately my cats.... But noone else.

Musical Preferances.

Know what annoys me? Is the fact that because I'm insanely inked and have this 'alternative look' that automatically I am into that music... But I can honestly say I am not into that! I am into Hip Hop... But then there are also a couple artists who aint HipHop that I love to listen too... Like Calvin Goldspink, 5ive, Blue, Jonas Brothers & One Direction....

Yep I'm 23 and I am a Directioner 😂😂.

When it comes to the bigger part of music that I listen too... My main people I listen too are Kanye West, Kid Cudi and Vic Mensa... But then again. Anyone who has me on social media, knows this already. They are my baes haha!

I get lost in their music, I mean. No matter the mood I can listen to one of them over and over. Sad, happy, honestly any mood. I can be in the mood for them!  Though these 3 are my faves I listen to quite a lot of people, TI, Nelly, 50 Cent, Kid Ink.... So many more.

I have a lot of Kid Cudi, Kanye West and Vic Mensa tattoos... People always say to me 'what if you dislike this music and them when you are older?' My answer if that happens, it does. But I do doubt it. Over the years I listened to various music, the shitty chav, rock music, lots more, and now I'm like wtf is that noise I used to like?! I mean there are a couple artists I can still bare... Fall Out Boy that album with Thanks for the Memories on it. And Faithless... Still lnow every word to some of his songs too. But Hip Hop is the music I've liked the longest and what called to me, even when I'm 90 I'll still be sat there singing to Yeezus.,. But I doubt I'd get to 90!

It's weird. Here I am rambling.,, but who the fuck is actually reading this bullshit? I'm just basically talking to myself, but then again no goddamn difference there now is it?!

Without music life would be even more boring.

The truth.

This post was hard for me to write... But I think it's right for me to do so, physical abuse is known widely. But noone really goes into emotional abuse. People need to know how much it can affect a person, how much it affected me...
When I was 18 I had my first relationship, we started fast, I worked at a bar in Wigan and he came to me and chatted me up. From there we talked for a few days before meeting up and going on our first date, we went bowling. It was a fantastic date, then the next week we went on a night out, I should have clicked then there were some part of psycho in him. My friend was being a little promisciuous, and then he came to me and said sly comments like 'I bet that's what you're like when I'm not around'. But as we were leaving we decided to be official... As I said things progressed quickly. We were happy for a few weeks at least without any trouble. But then he saw someone had text me that was a part of my life before him, it was another male, just asking how he was, and he was so, so angry. He was shouting so much abuse at me. calling me a slag, etc... And I was crying, angry at him too and ended up snapping my sim card to stop him and said I would change my number for him. He let it rest sort of. But he still said sly comments about that text. He made me exchange facebook passwords with him, I hardly went on his. But when you went on mine to check when he had been on it he had been on it every half an hour, or less. Then when a male messaged me from college he went mental again, and so I shut down my facebook account so he wouldn't obsess. But then he would check my phone a lot, but by this time I had no friends and the only person who texted me was my mum. I wasn't allowed friends anyway, if I went anywhere without him he would say I was cheating. He said so many sly things calling me names, saying noone would want me. And then there was the time he made me do anal as he 'wanted to put it somewhere where noone else has put it before'. He stopped thankfully as I was crying, but he was in a mood about it for a few days and not happy with me. We had many explosive fights. He never hit me, but I think if I was with him longer than the 8 months, he would have. He once punched a huge hole in his bedroom wall, and broke his bathroom All all the while he was accusing me, he got to talk to whoever he wanted to talk too, including one girl who it's clear they had a thing for one another. We went on holiday together with his family, and that was a bad experience also, he accused me at looking at other males behind my sunglasses, and I wasn't allowed to wear just a bikini as it meant I was showing off to all the men. When he became hill on holiday, he was hospitalised, i stayed with him. But then I was ill when we got back and he shouted at me because he wanted to get drunk, but I didn't drink at that time, and obviously I was ill. So he left me in the hotel alone while he went out. After the holiday we went sleep for a couple hours, but then he was on about my email, which i never used at the time either, he forced me to log onto it so he could look so he did. There was an email about some male trying to contact me on kik, an app I had actually deleted. I tried to tell him this but he went mental, I logged out, he kept telling me log back in, but I wouldn't. He said it will be over then, and I think I finally got the nerver to walk away so I did. I mean I didn't completely leave his life, as we met up a couple times after, seeing if we could sort things. But he never changed. I went cinema with my mum so she could cheer me up, and because I had no signal so couldn't reply. I was seeing someone new. Then I just told him leave me be. A couple weeks later he is with the girl he used to talk to when we were together, and I found out they cheated.

I should have left right away with this guy, I was stupid to stay with him so long. I think if I stayed longer thwn things would have got phyiscal.. I'm still not really over it, the emotional abuse I mean, him I can't stand. He hasn't changed.  I am very much broken, and relationships since him have been all over the place as I can't trust or believe anyone anymore. I just hope I will be okay.
But hopefully people will realise that mental abuse is just as bad as physical, they recognise the signs, and they leave before they make themselves like me.

A thousand bullets

What's the worst thing about me? 

That darkkkk thinking that comes out of nowhere. 

Thinking I'm not good enough, worthless, ugly, unwanted, every bad thought hitting you like a thousand bullets, hence the name of the post. 

I swear it's like I have bipolar. For a few days, I'm fine, content, happy, emotionless, then it snaps and then I'm in this dark place. Stressing myself out to point of being sick, but hey ho, I refuse to go the doctors for that. They're useless. Took me forever get my CFS diagnosis. And I think if I never changed doctors I'd still be trying to change that bloody diagnosis. 

I guess I'm head fucked. So paranoid. Making my thoughts ten times worse that I don't know what to do with myself. 

I'm fighting though. As always. This time for my cats, a cats love beats any. 

Feeling better...

I guess with my last posts I have been fewling down, and then the psychic reading helped me... It's still the case. I still feel okay mentally. I have my moments were my heart hurts for not so long because I remember all the loss I have suffered, but then I remember it's okay. They're not worth thinking about, they obviously was not supposed to stay in my life. Sly fuckers anyway. 

I'm pretty sure were I am from and live there are no decent people. Everyone just wants drama, and are snakes and sly little worms. Not worth having in my life. I'd rather just be alone with me cats then bother with fools! 

Cats make me insanely happen. It's why I tend to love them and want more! I would love more a cat farm or something... Like I'd be so content! I have 5 cats now, Ben, Angel, Eric, Blue and Mumble. I do miss the ones I lost though. 
And for those wondering... Eric is named after Happy Feet 2 penguin and Mumble is the first movie. As you can see I love penguins as well. They're cute. 

I guess. As always I'm rambling! 

My CFS and depression... Are so much better these days. I'm still exhausted and so so so sore, and I do have moments were I am sad, but hey ho. 

CFS / ME still needs more awareness, especially were I live full of ignorant idiots! Like because you're sleepy doesn't mean you have it! There is more to it than tiredness. 

Oh well. Another rambling!

Kitty Family.

Anyone who knows me knows my love for cats, So yep a full post for it.
I love kitties so much! I used to be a dog person, but then we got our first cats, and preferred them. Especially after I got my first kitten that I myself bought My first kitten, which was a female called Angel.
When I got her my love for cats grew immensely! They are adorable. Angel had her first litter, definately thought she was having a shit rather than babies, but then she actually gave birth she was a brilliant, her first litter was 4 kittens. I managed to keep two of those, Patch and Eric. Sadly Patch died. Broke my heart.
She then had her second litter, and I managed to let my mum let me have one of those which was Tigger. He too also died and that broke my heart more as he was the one who kissed me and cuddled me all the time, he was adorable.
I also bought Blue. Who is a blue grey and he is ultra adorable but a mini slag, but then aint all cats?!

Recently for my birthday I managed to get my mum let me get another kitten because of Tigger breaking my heart... The kitten is ultra adorable and it's hard to sex him/her atm but I know it eill be called Mumble for a male, Bella for a female!